Today, the rundown of the 200 new laws dropping in The Great State of Florida made an abridged appearance. As I perused through the written proof a fascist hog is the alpha canine in these parts, I heard myself say something nearly incomprehensible.
“Looks like DeSantis did something for Florida residents”.
I know, I had to double check to see if I was high, also. Sadly, I’m not. However, this is one fuck of a vivid hallucination I have happening over here in The Bay.
Let’s break this shit down into smaller, more mastication-worthy pieces, shall we? Ahem.
HB321, Enhances evidence admissibility in minor sex abuse cases, and increases the penalties for the sex trafficking of minors. First time offenders must now register as sex offenders. No more skating through on that first offense bullshit. Here, meet this registry, you fucking pedophile trash, and good luck finding anyone to rent to you.
HB385, Allows courts to mandate the use of neutral exchange locations at sheriff’s offices for child custody exchanges. Oh, you thought you were gonna beat your baby mommas’ ass in front of your kids again, but you fucking thought wrong. Try that shit with a building full of deputies watching your stupid ass. Stupid ass.
HB775, Extends the “Safe Haven Law”, going from seven to 30 days to surrender your infant to hospitals, fire stations, and EMS Stations. If you thought you could do it, but it turns out you can’t, get your ass down to the firehouse and do the right thing.
HB7063, Prohibits individuals under 21 from working in adult entertainment establishments. I mean, they still have OnlyFans, but the titty bar is a whole different universe, and it should be revered.
Now, if we only looked at this legislation, we might believe Rhonda actually gave a fuck about The Great State of Florida, Florida Man, and the waters surrounding our phallic-shaped home.
No. Wrong again, y’all.
If you’ll give me the floor again, I’ll give you some data to support my feeling that DeSantis is still, and always will be, a punk bitch.
SB1764, Increases penalties for “street takeover” participants. This means you, people with skin pigmentation, because he’s already made it legal to hit you with cars when you peacefully protest. Now you can walk off them broke ass legs in the day yard at Coleman.
HB1291, Excludes identity politics from college and university teacher-preparation programs. Or, as the ACLU says, “This bill would prohibit educational discussions about systemic and institutional racism, sexism, oppression, and privilege to adults participating in teacher training preparation programs.” If you aren’t a straight, white male, you’ll sit down and shut the fuck up.
HB931, Authorizes school districts to allow volunteer school chaplains. Because Sunday School gets crowded, and those fucking pedophiles need to get their hands on some vulnerable children, like yesterday.
And my favorite, HB601, Limits citizen review boards from investigating police misconduct. Because we investigated ourselves, and we found we’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Isn’t that right, Chad Chronister?
Arrogant and trashy county sheriffs aside, the me a decade ago might have felt like shit was supposed to be this way, it was supposed to end up a wash. This me knows that compromise is what we call this type of shit in mixed company, lest we lose our jobs down to the plant, and then we’re shipped off to the day yard at Coleman for sleeping in public.
Can’t have that shit, not without Big Prison profiting off of it, anyway.
You gotta be kidding me, or I’m fucking high. What kind of sad ass excuse for a governing official is this motherfucker?
Motherfucker.
Assholes can’t hide their assholery for too long.
As an environmentalist, the only thing he's done useful for the environment is just made it illegal to release balloons, but that's extremely difficult to prosecute unless the balloons have your name on them. And I doubt the cops will be staking out Grandpa's funeral.