No, not to me. Mother of Christ, what, are you crazy?
Have you met me?
*laughs in ex-husband, nervously*
I would never ask anyone to suffer that type of abuse. Even if I don’t like you, I wouldn’t wish that shit upon you. However, I do have the power to legally marry you to some other person who clearly doesn’t understand that it isn’t worth the tax break.
Fuck- no, what I meant to say was, “yaaay, sanctity of marriage, etc”.
Pardon my stunt double, who clearly doesn’t know when to keep her fucking yap shut.
Anyway, yeah, I became an ordained minister. So, before you ask, no, I’ve not seen anything struck by lightning, nor has the joint gone up in flames. Although, the night is young, and I’m not entirely certain the timetable God is working on these days. Could still be backed up from Covid. I don’t know.
I consider this one step closer to the authority to smite people.
I actually waited for the lightning for a second after that one. Meh, what am I if not a pusher of limits. He knows what I’m about. This is not new news.
Moral of this story is if you would like to infinitely give someone the ability to snore loudly as you’re trying to sleep, eat the last piece of something you were saving, or leave their fucking socks all over your bedroom floor, you may now Ask A Bitchface.
I’m not going to say I won’t strongly advise otherwise, but even I can’t help it if you’re out here trying to completely fuck your life up. I will, however, wear incredibly expensive heels and look like a million dollars as you’re doing so.
I mean, duh. I’m kind of known for that.
Actually, my homegirl Karla (shoutout to KK, love you heaux) has been a minister for umpteen years, and has officiated lots of weddings. Because I’m unsure why she is my friend, as she is entirely a good person, and I am a raging lunatic.
Wait, that’s not true. I know why she’s my friend. Many moons ago, she was dating this piece of shit dude. His equally piece of shit friend used to come into one of my bars, and try, unsuccessfully, of course, to pick me up. Well, the dude she was dating was saying some utter trash to her in front of me and I think I may have been in a mood that night. Surprising, I know.
I did something I never do, and that is fuck up my money. Usually, when I’m behind the bar, it’s smile and nod and “absolutely, I’m aware that these jeans make me look like your next ex-wife”, and other shit that will get you punched in the throat the moment I clock out. That day, I saw a woman being humiliated by a guy she was clearly into, and I fucking lost it.
I believe I started with, “I don’t know who in the fuck told you that you were anything over a 5, but they lied”, and ended with, “understand that I’m right here looking perplexed that this woman is actually sitting near you without a substantial gratuity”.
Because fuck you, Rick, that’s why.
And KK and I have been nearest and dearest since. I don’t always defend her like my bills don’t rely on me, but if you’re my friend, you better believe some piece of shit better find someone else to talk down to.
I digress.
So, I’ve always thought that was one of the coolest things about KK, that she helped people to get their lives started together. She believes in love, and blah blah, and all that other blah blah. It’s her thing. I don’t kick her about it, fuck it, we all have eccentricities.
I, on the other hand, have been down a different road, and I know that sometimes, it’s for different reasons. It’s for less hearts and butterflies reasons. It’s for things like, I dunno, you have a friend about to go to prison for 88 years for selling pills, and his junkie trash ass baby mama can’t be trusted to not get high and lose the kids, and his girlfriend should definitely have them instead. You know, hypothetically speaking.
Be great if you knew someone who understood that sometimes life hands you lemons and herpes, and you just have to forego the Country Time and make the best of your shitty circumstance.
Enter A Bitchface.
Hold your applause, please.
Actually, no, don’t. Please, by all means, applaud.
Thank you.
That’s all. If you need to ruin your relationship, life or finances, hit me up. I’ll get y’all hitched. Better have some banging ass cake though. I don’t go nowhere for free.
I wholeheartedly believe I will never have a need, but yasssss Bitch. You're the one.
You're coming 30 years too late for me!