I’ve been thinking, and as you’re all aware, that can lead to real problems.
Everyone knows I have large helpings of Catholic guilt at every opportunity that arises, so of course I’ve been in my head about all of this bullshit.
I guess it led me to the question I’m stuck on. Did I deserve this? Did I deserve to have my heart run through a fucking paper shredder, the bin shook out, and then reshredded?
I often speak of the charitable acts that I am sometimes involved in being atonement for the life I lived in my past. When I wasn’t so kind. When I wasn’t intentionally thoughtful about those I associate with. I chalk it up to karma, as though I’m simply ridding my life of the negatives by adding to the positive column today.
However, what I didn’t take into account until now are the acts of contrition. I don’t know how I missed that part. I don’t know why I thought I could be such an affront to all that is good, and walk away clean. Scot Free. Psssh. Atoned for it, huh?
Maybe this was simply a way to show me how I had made someone else feel in the past. Broke their heart, abandoned them, made them think that life wasn’t worth living. Maybe this is how I pay the proverbial piper.
I guess here I am again trying to apply reason and sense to the thing that makes no sense to me. I know we were happy. I was there.
Maybe I was the only one happy. What the fuck do I know? I’m 42 years old and starting over again. But, I’ll tell you as Brian told me, “the difference is, this time you have a small army behind you”.
You damned right, BMan.
I’m here. I love you all. I’ve not done anything stupid, like relapse, and I promise you, I will try to be a little better tomorrow than I am today.
You had joy and there is more to come. You already know what sort of gift the monkey offers. Let him remain in the distant past. Nothing but positive energy to you!
Guilt schmilt, contrition perdition, wash that man right outta your hair 🤣 Chin up, straighten the crown, reapply the mascara, keep being you.