Time To Thank Someone For All This Free Ass Freedom...
And I know exactly who that someone is.
Good morning, Bitchfaces. Y’all. Sloppy hos in the back row, even y’all can get some love today. Everyone knows there’s nothing like Independence Day to make me feel exceptionally thrilled that I’m free to run off at the yammer in this phenomenal way that I do.
It’s my literal favorite holiday for exactly this reason. If we were somewhere else, I might have been beheaded by now. Certainly stoned to death, because y’all know I get in the mix with it.
But, thankfully, all these kick ass soldiers came along and gave me the ability to run my big ass mouth and be this live and in Technicolor and I would be lying if I said I don’t fully take advantage of this ability. Y’all know. You’ve seen me go.
I’ll say it this year like I did the last; shit might be a little wild out there right now, I mean…you see the microfascism on parade here. However, none of that is going to keep me from trying to lose at least 2 digits to fireworks and some of the ends of my hair to sparklers.
Usually, I like to run down the 5 worst places in the world to be a woman for this oh, so blessed day to be free. However, we don’t need to discuss the fact that men in Egypt can legally have sex with their dead wives bodies for 6 hours after death, like the literal fleshlights they perceive women to be.
I won’t discuss the fact that Honduras has a grand sum of 3 rape shelters in the whole damned country, but two of them double as a brothel. Why would I? The upstanding individuals from the US military branches have ensured I’m not a fleshlight. Nor do I need to worry about living in the literal femicide capital of the fucking world, and yep, I’m still looking at you, Honduras.
Motherfuckers.
Instead, I’m going to trust Puffin to keep an eye on the grill while I try to hit my neighbor’s mailbox with this entire box of fireworks that may or may not have come from 3 counties north of here because we just didn’t have the necessary munitions for me to interrupt their mail service as they did mine for five days. However, I digress.
Y’all know Puffin has no business being in charge of the damned grill. That little dog will eat everything including the propane tank if you leave her alone for long enough. But, how long will it really take for me to allegedly light this box of instantaneous fun? Surely she can’t do that much dam-
So, anyway, looks like Puffin is going to learn to use a lighter this 4th of July. Opposable thumbs, my ass. Opposable right up off of my damned kielbasa is what she can do.
Enjoy your freedom, and all of my military friends here, so many kisses and all that shit. I’ll see y’all with hopefully all of my fingers, and both eyeballs on the 5th.
Love
-Q
Sis, ponytail that luscious mane before running around with sparklers!
Here's to living in one of the two best countries in the world, having a sis that loves you beyond words, pups & kitties, being able to laugh at the clueless bitches in back row and the freedom to say "fuck this shit" when necessary. Happy 4th!
PS - a baseball bat is a great tool for mailbox vengeance, so I've heard 😁
So very thankful I was born here and not in Egypt... shudder. How anyone can stomach that whole sex with your dead wife thing is just unbelievably gruesome... jeezus.
Happy 4th, sis 🖤 🎆🎇🖤