What in the supercalifragifuckthis is fucking happening? Bitch, am I high?
As you’re all well aware, I reside here in The Bay. I adore Tampa. The Great State of Florida.
Ron DeSantis? Let’s not fucking play, ok. Y’all know I’ve hated him since back before he was blowing Trump in the men’s room at Mar-a-lago. Way back.
This morning, I’m watching the morning news, cracking jokes, doing what I always do to lessen the blow of the fuckshit happening in the world. First, there is a campaign by NYC to get our gays. Yes. You heard me.
They’re trying to take our gays.
Back off, NYC. You may have seen an opportunity to pounce because of that big-boneded bastard at the wheel, but we’re not giving our gays away. Have you fucking met St. Petersburg? You better chill. That’s home of PRIDE, and I know factually you’ll get hurt fucking around over there with our loud and proud.
So, because of the “Don’t Say Gay” law that these boneheads passed here in the Great State of Florida, other sparkly, proud places are literally trying to take our gay away. Listen, this is not inclusive of the residents of Florida. This is that Chonker in Charge and the 78+ communities suffering from mental incapacities. We love our loud and especially our proud. Nobody here listens to Ron DeSantis anyway, he’s a fucking blowhard.
A series of ads is running telling gay Floridians they’re welcome in NYC, and they very well may say gay there. Well, fuck me, that does sound a lot be- no, no, fuck that. This won’t last long. What’s his chunk is outta there shortly, let’s not do anything in haste. I gotta have somewhere to wear my ribbon halo, so y’all better ease up.
Next in the morning “what in the actual fuck”, the list of banned books is now larger than it ever has been. Also, last year, more threats against librarians were reported than ever before. Who in the fuck threatens a librarian?
Tell me that. Who?
Let me find out someone is threatening my librarian, I’m whipping your ass for you by the overnight drop box. Do not play with me on this, she holds books for me and never charges me late fees. Fuck with her, we have a real problem, and you can check out these hands.
Also, let’s start reading those banned books. If there wasn’t something to fear, they wouldn’t be so afraid. Don’t ever give away your right to learn, experience culture, and enrich your life with the arts. Read every fucking book on that list. I know I will.
Thirdly, Mother of Christ, is this ever going to end, let’s get to the real bullshit. Y’all know everybody has to give birth to these dumb babies down here too. You better pray your teenager doesn’t have a slip, Susan, because ol’ Sneaky Pete DeSantis is also not letting anyone have their vagina examined by an OBGYN.
You have to go to the Seniors Center and plead your case for the morning after pill. I hope you visited your Great Aunt Merle this year, Vanessa, or you ain’t getting your Plan B.
Seriously, after 15 weeks, that’s a big no, baby. You’ll be having that kid, and it will be straight, uncultured, and stupid, just the way the Great State of Florida likes us.
Am I fucking high? Seriously, I have to be because someone literally set us back 40 fucking years, and his name is Ron DeSantis.
First, OMG!!!! You're in Tampa? I live in what I call "My Big Fat Gay Neighborhood" in St. Pete just steps away from where St. Pete Pride began. Everything you said is on point, girl. How do we keep electing these monsters? I swear half the population is Dem or Ind now. Must be jerrymandering because you know they can't win without cheating. Rick Scott will simply NOT FUCKING GO AWAY. Marco Rubio... 🤬. Abortion is an issue I'll get arrested for, so bring it on. (Voting rights, too. Florida doesn't want you to vote unless you vote the way they want you to.) I love the sunshine, but the politics here are wearing on me. When are we taking this place over?
So many reasons to stay the fuck away from Florida until the lump of lard is out of office. Sorry not sorry. Despite the large loud and proud pockets of sanity, I can’t see spending money there, which will be taxed, which will be used to pay him.