Um, could someone please hand me my whiteboard? It’s fucking important, that’s why, and don’t question my motives. Who th-
Pheeeeeeew. Lord, have mercy, I nearly slapped someone’s face for sheer dumb assery this early in the fucking column.
That does not bode well. Looking a lot like every single fuck I was holding for the dole out needs an APB issued, because I just checked, and those bitches are MIA.
I digress.
Now, if you’ll please have a look at the whiteboard, you’ll notice the giant, red, obnoxious as the fuck BG I’ve scribbled.
“What’s that about, Queen?”
Ok, give me a fucking minute, obviously I’m near the point of hyperventilation, y’all see me smoothing my hair nervously as I tap my toe to the Riffs. Shit. Cool y’all damned jets, though.
BG is obviously Brian. Yes, as in Garnett, as in Black Jesus, as in the good sense to my generalized dumb shit.
I know, I know, I nearly squealed like a teenaged girl myself, and am fairly certain I caught myself fawning over the logical data he brought to the proverbial table. Fawning, I said. Like a goddamned deer. Or fawn, even.
If you’ve been hanging in the comments, you’ve probably noticed him. If you have not, pay attention. Brian is hard to miss, and if you are just aimlessly wandering around here without any type of attention being paid to your surroundings, you should probably have a coffee and an Adderall prior to joining us. Nobody likes repeating the material for some asshole who can’t be bothered to wake up before they show up.
Of course, if you aren’t a fan club member, you’ll need to send a self-addressed stamped envelope to PO Box 651, Webster FL 33597, and we’ll be certain to get an 8x10 glossy right over to you. Please don’t throw your undergarments, firstborn, or currency under a hundred-dollar bill toward the direction of the podium. Y’all know I have PTSD, and sudden movements and infant tossing make my nerves real fucking jumpy.
I’ve already managed to waste 5 or 6 hours of his life in the Zoom, and I regret nothing. That’s just my selfishness, honestly, I’m probably a cluster B personality type or something. It’s not my problem until the diagnosis is named after me, so I’ve not hit the pinnacle.
Shame. I have been training in the off season and everything. Shin splits from running stadiums type of training, and I really thought I would have a disorder named for me by now. How disappointing.
Holler at Black Jesus if you pass him in the rectory, and don’t forget to tithe and shit. That’s 20% gross, sir, not net. We know creative accounting when we see it.
In all seriousness, I haven’t been this happy since the Bucs won the Super Bowl, and some of y’all aren’t even old enough to remember that.
Google Tony Dungy. Now you get it. I know, I’m still mad about it 20 years later.
Love
-Q