A few days ago, I checked my inbox on one of the platforms that AaBF is printed, and a lady by the name of Farah had messaged me again. She is a woman in Saudi Arabia, early 20’s, and unhappily married.
Last year, she reached out to me to ask me what changes she needed to make to herself to make her husband more loving toward her, to basically change the way that he views her.
I understand the weight of being female in heavily oppressed places. But to be a woman in her shoes? I couldn’t even begin to imagine. I wanted to ask her how she was reading me, but a part of me was afraid to pry. I answered her, in my typical Bitchface fashion, and told her that she is enough exactly as she is. What he doesn’t like about her started right about the time she started talking, voicing an opinion, and exhibiting other human like characteristics.
He didn’t want a wife. He wanted a Stepford Wife.
Every couple of months, she’ll send me a little note, just telling me she’s OK, and she’ll mention briefly how things are in her marriage.
She’s such a pistol, that one, and I just know that if given the ability, she could use her bright personality to change something in the world. Instead, though, she’s trapped in a marriage with a man who dislikes her, and I strongly suspect puts his hands on her.
She can’t drive. She can’t work. She can’t really do much of anything. So, every now and then, she somehow manages to pop off an email to me, I think just to connect with someone.
After she reached out to me last year, I started to look into a little of what her life is like. I have a bad habit of taking on the woes of women that are outside of my range of assistance, and probably will one day worry myself to death, but that’s a problem for then. Today, I thought I might make a list of the things my friend cannot do because of where she lives, and is a woman. I came up with the following:
Marry without male guardian (father, brother, husband) permission.
Divorce without male guardian (father, brother, husband) permission.
Get a passport without male guardian (father, brother, husband) permission.
Socialize with men that aren’t immediate family. At all. Not even good morning.
Conduct business on their own behalf, or get a business loan without 2 men to testify to their character.
Open a bank account.
Drive without a male guardian (father, brother, husband).
Anything that doesn’t “shield them from corruption”. That means anything where they could be influenced by a man that is not their male guardian. Even to say good morning. Also, should they say good morning, that is a jailable offense. Don’t even dream of a fair trial for a woman.
I think, reading this list, that it is easy to believe this type of nonsense only exists in some sort of past life for women. If someone tried to tell me I couldn’t marry someone totally wrong for me (again), or say good morning to my neighbor man OG, or have a negative balance in my bank account every other week, I might get a little hotheaded.
But, for my friend, who is taking those chances every 3 or 4 months just to tell me about her world, this is her life. A life I wouldn’t last 5 minutes inside of. She is powerless in her own existence. She is simply a vessel to give her husband an heir, and then she is, in the eyes of the men who are in charge of her, simply a mouth to feed.
She is living my literal nightmare.
I don’t know how to even begin to open up the line to help these women. I’m not involved in matters that involve deep religious roots, due to the fact that people get some kind of loco when it comes to their God and their belief system.
Rachel and I discussed it, and she said “it’s not going to happen quickly, because this is thousands of years in the making”. But, thousands of years isn’t who is writing me. It’s one chic, who just wants to be free. It was easy for me to ignore “thousands of years”. When she became Farah, with feelings, and her own flair, and a voice…I can’t look at it the same way.
Here, in America, women can pretty much do anything they want to do. Sure, we’ll have to hear some shit about it, God knows, because it’s like your husband can’t help but be a jerk, but he can’t stone you to death if you decide to go to grad school.
That’s not the case for Farah. He could have her murdered by her country for less. Her own family, even.
I worry about her, and what really concerns me is what will happen to her after she gives him a son or two. What will her worth be then?
Everyone is so quick to be judgemental about Indian mothers running the household and their sons, but honey, at least they love their mamas. You don’t mess with an Indian man’s mama. Things aren’t the same where Farah is. She is considered to be worth less than half of a man.
Less than half of a man? Who in the fuck did the math on this? I smell some bad algebraic equations, and I need my whiteboard.
Farah, if you happen to see this, I answered you. I pray for you. One day things will be different, but, probably not soon enough to help you, and for that, I’m so very sorry.
This makes me sick. We cannot support any ideology that treats women as men’s property.
Heartbreaking story, I feel for her! I don't like being told what to do let alone "demanded" to do something. Smdh no wonder women go to extremes in these countries sometimes they literally have NO way out! Well from now on i shall Pray for her as well! And all the other women who truly are helplessly trapped! God give them the strength to make it to see better days here or there!💞