Probably Just Going To Talk In Old Southernisms From This Point...
I might even say "I've taken a lover"...
Y’all don’t know. Shit, I might.
Ok, fuck y’all. I hear you. Yes, mine would be as imaginary as hers. The difference, of course, being she thought hers was real. I, on the other hand, know for a fact nobody is putting up with my shit.
Bruh. I’m a fucking discussion point, a moral to the story, and the villain.
I don’t give a fuck, though. I’ve been this woman my whole existence, and I have never lacked for dumb ass men in my fucking face trying to ruin my life, now have I?
I have a friend, the Sweetest Thing, who tells me I’m nice. I have no fucking idea what he’s high on, but let’s just pray I never get a hold of it, because clearly he has no idea what is actually occurring in reality.
That’s not true. I guess I am nice to him. I have no reason not to be. He’s a genuinely nice person. Just like salt of the earth nice, if you know what I mean.
So, essentially, the type of person I wouldn’t have given the time of day using y’alls fucking watch if I were still the old me. I’m not playing games with that bitch though, she had masochistic tendencies and it made for more trouble than it was ever worth.
I’ve been doing pretty well, ignoring calls from The King of the Fuckboys, not wallowing in the stench of old broken heart, just Burberry Brit and laundry shakers and you can’t even really tell where it was stitched back together in this light. Just minding my own business, living in my own lane, letting sleeping dogs lie.
That should have clued y’all in that I would be doing something to fuck it all up before I got comfortable with the peaceful atmosphere.
I will say I’ve stepped away from my usual methods of ruining my own life. Now, I’m doing shit like telling my homegirl who just had a baby at 40 and isn’t sure who the father is that I’m her Babys Daddy, and it’s cool, bring it over here, if it hollers we’ll just sit it in the Florida room until it knows how to act, like we do with Puffin.
She actually laughed pretty fucking hard at that because she knows at least 60% of me was serious when I said it. I’m still serious now. I don’t want it screaming all over the damned house, put it out there until it’s done with that shit. Puffin will keep an eye on the child, she won’t let near her food bowl or toys, so it’s safe.
A fresh baby at 40, y’all. Do you know what I would do if it were me?
Well, it wouldn’t earn me any extra credit with Pete’s bitch ass, I’ll tell y’all that much. Seriously, if I had to be pregnant at this point in my life? Man, y’all might as well go on and call my Momma have her come get Puffin.
There is no fucking way. I remember way back at 22, back when I was young enough to think it was a good idea to try to pass my fucking crazy onto another generation, that shit was far from a picnic.
Add to that my homegirl was kicking drugs, and in the most tumultuous period in her adult life?
Bitch. There’s no fucking way. Where do I sign that DNR form at, and somebody hold this chair steady while I climb up here.
But, the thing is, I said all this same shit when her dude was in prison and she had two under two at home and I still drove them to daycare and picked them up and tied hair in ponytails and sang dumb ass kid songs, that stupid fucking 5 Nights at Freddys soundtrack burned into my brain forever.
Because I couldn’t just sit there and watch her try to do it alone. Because nobody should have to do it alone. Alone is a place I don’t recommend for the faint of heart. Alone is NC-17 rated, and it’s not due to full frontal nudity, I’ll tell you that.
I know all about alone.
So, at least she and I will be alone together, and that’s worked pretty fucking well for us in the past. We just haven’t ever done it sober. However, we video chatted for a damned hour and a half and I almost peed myself like 28 times, so clearly we’re still hilarious. That was about 82% of my worry right there.
I’m still just…I don’t know. Shocked, maybe? Her having a baby has reminded me that of all of the shit that has gone so horribly fucking wrong in my life, of all the bad men I couldn’t see for what they were, for all of the wrong decisions and wrong turns, and wrong answers…
At least I didn’t wind up pregnant.
Lord, you were carrying me, I see that now, let me go on and set this apology straight with you.
There’s no fucking way. I would have been on a 72-hour hold followed by an immediate 72-hour hold.
Bless your heart, Beattie. Your ass is tougher than me. Nigga, I heard her cry on the phone and was tapping out hollering uncle.
Meh. We’ll figure it out. I mean, even if I’m a terrible excuse for a baby’s daddy, I’m the fucking bees’ knees at being Aunt Meow. Now, bring that baby out here to the Florida Room, and let’s talk about shit. Obviously not out here though, I can’t listen to that crying shit.
Mm umm. No.
We’ll come back and get it when it stops that shit.
Well I'll be damned! Look @ our Queen, the whole ass baby whisperer ova here!😏U have such a kind heart & I'm sure they can sense it, we do! And for the judging bitches in the back....Yeah she did the damn thang! Even more proof of the kickass, Kindhearted & loving person u are even if u are doning ur cape! My kids were watching Cinderella the other day & I couldn't help but notice the similarities in the 2 of u! Loves to clean, listens to (& sings) the music to keep motivated, kind, thoughtful & in need of a Prince. Instead of glass slippers, they're Christian Louboutin's stilettos😅
I think we are 💜