Okay, So How Many Of Y'all Want To Hug Me?
This isn't even a trick question. Just answer the fucking thing yes or no.
Look what one of my favorite readers sent over to me yesterday. And I must admit, it sounds like some shit I would do. I mean, I do eat gator as a lesson to the other gators that I will murder their mother and grill her tail wrapped in bacon, so it’s ill advised to fuck with me.
I digress.
Let’s get to this headline, shall we?
Allow me to begin by saying that if you touch me, I’m snapping your fucking hands off at the wrist. But what if there was another way, a safer way? An OSHA approved way to hug me, if you will?
Say no more, fam. I got you.
Y’all know Elsie, as in Crazy Sex Magic writer Elsie, lives just across the Howard Frankland from me, and happens to be one of the few women I would actually drive over the bridge for. After a xanax, of course, because y’all know bridges where you are barely out of the ocean terrify me.
Anyway, enough about my fucking irrational fears. Elsie is running a thing right now. Here’s the link: 5000 hugs.
The gist, you purchase and send a hug to your person, in y’alls case, your favorite author and Head Bitchface In Charge. The hug is recorded, given, etc.
Just go check out my girls project and help her out. She’s put a lot of time and effort into doing something to make other people happy, and that should be applauded every chance you get.
I know some people who won’t even park in one parking space just to be a cunt to people, so when someone is giving of themselves, and freely, I can do nothing but toss the nod and spread the word. Selfless people are a rarity in the world today, and I love to see them out and about, doing big shit.
So, I’ll go ahead and field the major questions. Yes, you may hug me virtually. No, you may not cop a fucking feel. If I suspect you’re virtually trying to grab an ass cheek, buddy, you better go on and ask Baby Jesus what he can do to assist you, because we taking it back to Mortal Kombat days, and I will rip your spine from your body.
You may hug me more than once, but I swear on Christs’ Mother Mary, if you try to marathon hug me thinking it is going to do me like the Grinch with little Cindy Lou, I assure you fine folks, the Grinch had a heart 5 times the size of mine. I’ll just be virtually gritting my teeth and envisioning Puffin biting your calf because she protecc, but she also short.
Now, if anyone else has any news in the land of Bitchface, bring it to the fucking table already. I feel like there’s some regulars I haven’t seen in a minute, and I think I’ll do that roll call thing I do before too much longer.
Look, y’all bad ass kids are back in school, thank you Jesus, and although it’s still hotter than a Houston hooker on the stroll outside, I hear some places in the country are going to start getting to a point where you don’t spontaneously combust when you step outside.
Here in Florida, we won’t have that until the first week of February. Those blissful 8 days are our winter. We cherish it.
Everyone get your happy, Mom is having wine at 10:30 on a Tuesday faces back on, and start studying your kids homework now because it’s getting tougher every year.
Carli tried to teach me common core math once and the top of my head nearly blew off. I hope y’all do better than I did when it comes to assisting the kiddos.
Good thing godmothers are supposed to be ridiculous. I do very well in the role of eccentric, reclusive author Aunt Meow. I’m not changing it up now, especially not for some, makes no fucking sense, they just made it up, math homework.
Someone is going to have to explain to Mrs. Johnson why little Sheila can’t do fractions and says it’s because mommy said, “we have fucking calculators now, nobody is using an abacus for math anymore”. Probably gonna get called to the principal’s office for that one, sis.
Sounds like fall to me.
Guys, it's a really cool little thing she's doing with this. I went and bought y'all a hug. You can see it on the hug registry, it's kind of like the paperwork you got with your cabbage patch dolls back in the day. I happen to find this whole thing elevating to my spirit, and I needed some spiritual stilettos in my life. So if you wondered who really gives a damn about whether or not you're hugged and cared for, I do. Now that's enough, people will start thinking I caught the damned emotions. Bleh.
However, you are loved and hugged by The Queen.
Yup. I’m a hugger.