I get mail from all sort of dudes. Sad dudes, old dudes, random dudes that were once women dudes, you name it, I’ve heard from him.
Or so I thought. *cue the fucking sound of the record scratching*
I’d like to share with y’all the newest of the kink club to reach out to me, Mr. Family Fetish. But, I’m sure you know I wouldn’t be building a column around a guy who fantasized about his stepmother, or stepbrother for that matter. Let’s go to the whiteboard because you’re going to need to jot a few things down.
So, I get an email from a guy, decent looking kid, his face popped right up in my chat. Young guy. Hm. Okay, I’ll bite. What’s happening?
Oh, dear Mother of Christ. This wasn’t at all what I expected to read. Apparently, kid has a family sex fetish. And by that, he doesn’t mean sitting around watching stepmom porn. He means he had sex with his sister. Not stepsister. Sister.
The family fun doesn’t stop there though. He also had sex with not one, but four, count them uno dos tres cuatro, 4 of his cousins. He didn’t say if they were first cousins, and I asked but have yet to be able to confirm. However, I’m going to presume that if he doesn’t take issue having sex with his own sister, some first cousins aren’t even that attractive on the overall family tree meter of hotness.
I’m full of questions at this point, even though it’s pretty icky because I have to get to the absolute bottom of shit like this. Y’all know where my mind is going with it, abuse in the family, kid is reenacting it with sister. He states otherwise, though, a little further in the email. Right before we get to this part:
“I think you should be my stepmother, and let me fuck you while you nurse me.”
Excuse me, what?
What was that last part, because that can’t be what was actually said. It was. I reread it at least ten times, he really did say that.
This just got grosser than the dude who wanted me to peg him because I am the bitchiest woman for the job.
I don’t know when we forgot about boundaries around here, but we still fucking have them, y’all. Like, do I show up in y’alls inbox and demand y’all buy me stilettos so that I may grind my heel into your little nasty junk for sending me shit like this?
No, sir, I do not. Mostly because I’m afraid a couple of y’all would be into that, and really I’m just compounding the problem at that point.
So, I’m going to choose to believe that I am a safe and healthy outlet for some not-so-safe or healthy ideas and emotions. I’m going to choose to believe that I am your kink outlet because I’m a safe distance away, and you’re just writing to the familiar Bitchface who can take it.
Now, if I ever run into you, bro, and you try to pop my titty in your mouth and call me mommy, we finna have a whole scenario where I snap your hands off at the wrists. Don’t play with me, sir. I’m nobody’s kink doll.
However, if I’m the healthy outlet that keeps you from banging your sister and making babies with 6 toes, I guess I can scan through your email and remind myself exactly why I’m not dating.
Motherfuck.
What is really going on with these dudes out here?
Anyway, y’all know how to get me. Hit me at askmsmacon@gmail.com, but please for the love of Baby Jesus, can I get a normal fetish this time around? Like, what happened to you dudes with the stiletto fetish? Even some latex-wearing dudes? Y’all way the hell out there now, y’all can’t reel it back a notch?
Good Christ.
WHAT THE GIFT WRAPPED FUCK IS THAT????? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? At this moment both my eyes are rolling in different directions!!!!!!
I. Can. Never. Unsee. This