Maybe It's Going To Rain Or Something
I seem to have a bad case of in my feelings, and it's nauseating.
It’s been a steady onslaught for 2 or 3 days, and heavy nausea for at least that long. I don’t get stuck in my feelings. I have them, I write them with a little dark humor, I get rid of them. This ain’t no layaway type shit over here, and it’s damned sure not a long term purchase occurring. This is, at its’ best, dinner on paper plates, and all the filth is simply swept into the garbage can, voila baby! It’s all cleaned up.
But, I’ve been telling tales of Grindr, quite possibly the most abusive douche I’ve known in my life, and my mother married molesters, so let that thought sink in for a second. He has this ability to make me angry like I am frightened to be. I would truly choke him until his heart stopped because he seemed to enjoy doing it to me so much. I can look back at all of my other relationships, fuckboy casualty or otherwise, and have a laugh, tell a couple of jokes at their expense, and all’s well in the end. Not Grindr.
I’ve never been so humiliated, so disgusted with the treatment I allowed myself to receive. I get in my feelings and realize, I hate myself for taking the shit, I probably don’t actually hate him. Wait, that’ s totally a lie. He’s an abusive, lying, closeted homosexual who endangered my life and then tried to take the air from my chest. I do hate him. I hate him with a fiery passion and I pray he never crosses my path because if I think I can possibly get away with it, I’m probably going to put all 5’3 of me into mopping up the floor with that nasty bitch. That’s the truth of the matter.
I hate that. I hate that I can’t let go of the absolute fury I feel when I think of the times I had to not stab him in his eye, because I had allowed him to drain every last dime I had and I was stuck. When I had to take it, because he had me in another compromising position, and just like a nasty rat fink asshole, he made sure I knew he had no problem with ruining my existence if I didn’t do as he said.
I just want the opportunity to hand it to him the same way he doled it to me. I want to choke him to the floor and then kick him when I think he’s dead. I want to call him everything but a churchgoing repentant and then make him pretend like the neighborhood didn’t hear all of it, so he can know the weight of shame like that.
Actually, I take it back. I really do just want to mop up the damned floor with him. My brothers always told me that you don’t hit girls unless they come at you like a man. The problem is, he had that upper hand situation. I never just walked up and punched him in his trachea, then watched him flop like a goldfish on the damned carpet trying to get some oxygen. However, I’m willing to put money on these turned tables, if I caved that larynx in for him, he would think twice about shoving women around. But, just in case, I am going to do it twice. I know he’s a fucking bonehead, so he’ll need that second lesson as well.
That being said, I’m trying to get the hanks off of me. Bad relationships with bad people can leave you feeling the only thing they have going for them: just out and out bad. It’s one of those, I really need to triple back handspring shower and loofah til bleeding, type of scenes. There is a haze that it puts on your everyday life that it threatens to strip all of the colors from. It wants to leave you gray and sullen. Don’t let it.
Don’t be the me that considers the outcome and just takes it. Be the me, today, that double-checks for this punk bitch to cross my path, because dammit, I’m gonna push his throat right out of his spine if I get the opportunity. Because if anyone deserves to gasp for air, it’s that sorry asshole.
Honey, when I heard my ex-husband hung himself (the one who used to scream "C*#t!!" at me as I left to drive my kids to school), I excused myself, went outside, and screamed like I've never screamed, "BURN IN HELL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!", and then burst into tears for what he did to me. That was in 2004. I hated him, post-death, for another 8 years before I told myself it was enough. People say you must forgive them? That's bullshit. But you CAN not let them take any more of your life by thinking of them, when you're ready.
I’m glad you know you never deserved this, and you will never allow a poor excuse for a human being do this to you ever again. ❤️