It's Easier When You Add Distance...
If you're still in the midst of the trauma, it seems like it will never let you go.
I have a friend who is going through a really rough situation. I mean, the absolute worst of it.
Today, she sent me pictures of the new home that she purchased for herself. I need to add, she’s not in an abusive situation, but a horrible scenario with a medically traumatic situation, which financially and emotionally has destroyed her. I’m thrilled, because (a) she’s closer to me now, and (b) she’s removing herself from the source of the trauma.
I can tell you from personal experience, nothing is harder than the first step you take out of the door. If you can get that first step underneath you, you can leave. The trouble is getting to the door.
Women, and men, in many different situations seem to have a million reasons not to go. There’s always something, it seems, that will make you think “perhaps he’ll get it right tomorrow”. Ladies, that’s not going to happen. Gentlemen, she’s not going to change.
If someone in your life isn’t contributing to your happiness, and actively seeking to steal your joy, start taking those steps that lead you toward the door. Any decision that you need to make about your relationship, you can make that decision from just about anywhere in the world.
When we’re in abusive situations, we don’t have the ability to clear our heads and sort our thoughts. We’re doing our best simply to survive the day. We have to focus so intently on navigating the eggshells, that we can’t seem to see that on the other side of the door is an entire world that our abusers aren’t in control of.
If I can advise anything without conditions, it is to remove yourself from the proximity of the person that is hurting you. You would be amazed at how capable you feel of making decisions the moment you are no longer under the thumb of a tyrant.
Making decisions from a safe location is nothing like making decisions while you’re locked in a bathroom and some drunk asshole is kicking the door in. Making decisions from your own place is a world away from making decisions after you hide your kids in a closet so they don’t see him smacking your eye out of its’ orbit.
Before you decide to take another 3 months, another 3 years until that child graduates, hell, another 3 days until your paycheck hits, look for an exit. Is there another place that you can be that will offer you a short term level of safety? Is there a place that you can be, for 14 to 21 days? In that amount of time, that’s 3 paychecks, that’s time enough to do some rental applications, seek government assistance, locate child care, and get some wheels in motion. It’s time to find employment, get some interviews set up, and start to weigh your prospects.
You don’t have to stay. You don’t have to continue making every decision in your life under the weight and stress of abuse. You really don’t.
I know what it feels like to believe that you’re stuck. I know what abuse diminishes your whole actual self down to. That’s not who you are. It’s who they want you to believe that you are. You are strong enough to leave.
I believe in you. Even at a time when I didn’t believe in myself, I lied to myself and said that I did. That first step out of the door felt like I could fly.
And I did. I flew right out of that hellhole and baby, I soared.