Ha. Yeah, no, she won’t do that. She’s such a real pain in the ass.
However, that is all my fault, and I accept full responsibility. I’m the reason she’s antisocial. I’m the reason she has zero use for anyone who isn’t me.
There is a reason for that. I don’t care if Puffin has met you 48 times and 46 of those you brought her peanut butter bones. She is still going to stand within a foot of you and bark like she’s about to bite your whole fucking leg in half every single time you show up to my house. Or yard. Or street. Or zip code.
Puffin is a real asshole.
Puffin has to be. She’s all I have.
So, yeah, she probably knows you. Y’all might be cool after ten minutes and a dentastix, but in that first ten minutes. Don’t touch her. Yea, she’s probably going to bite you. Nope, I’m not going to yell at her. I’m not going to send her outside. You can go outside though. Matter of fact, just be safe, go sit in your car sis. You know she’s a temperamental bitch.
I know I’m a Bitchface for this shit. And now, I’m going to do it again. I’ve decided Puffin is getting a brother.
I was leaning toward a husky, because of Frank and his lame brained charm, but tonight when I was dog surfing, every fucking shelter dog listed was some sort of pit cross. I can’t, man. I gotta help at least one.
So, now that I have cried probably 82 different damned times, I’m no closer to a dog than I was 5 hours ago, but I have decided that if I came home with 40, 50 dogs, really…who is gonna fucking tell me it’s a bad plan?
Exactly. So, these 40, 50 dogs I’m finna have lounging around this damned house…
Who is up for dog sitting? I have a sign-up sheet here to the house, come on through and add your name. Watch out for Puffin though. She’s a real live asshole, y’all.
Q
Listen, seriously. Y’all know I am super loyal to my pits, because they’ve always been super loyal to me. They’re great dogs. Stigmatized, but I mean, fuck. So am I and you love me. And I bite way the fuck more often. If you’re in the market for a dog, why not look at a pit mix at your local shelter? You can bring it over for a playdate with my 40, 50 dogs I’m dragging home in the bubble Caprice. It’ll be fucking mayhem and nonsense, just like reading my column. :)
I’m working with the Humane Society of Pinellas right now to triage and relocate animal survivors so they can get to a central hub to start trying to reunite them with their family - it’s a job, but a good one!
Whatever you and the crew can do is great - your reach is wider than mine and I know you’re one of the best animal- wise.
Puffin is a better partner anyway. As your next furry love(s) will be.