I need to pose a really stupid question, Bitchfaces.
I’m uncomfortable with the level of waves that aren’t being made. I am nervous that it’s a possible before the storm kind of quiet.
I hate myself for it. It’s as though I am the eternal pessimist these days, and it’s fucking disgusting.
I think the basis for the problem is the simple fact that I don’t know how to handle the fact that for the first time in my life, I’m not the one who is loved and admired. I’m not the one that is being pined for. I am the jackass doing the pining. It’s fucking terrible.
What is my actual fucking problem?
Oh. Wait a minute. I absolutely know the answer to this question.
I can’t actually believe that I am worthy. I can’t actually for a moment consider the fact that I deserve something that doesn’t hurt me. I can’t stop for a moment and think to myself, “you earned this type of happiness”.
Well, fuck me then.
So, as far as this saga goes, I am really unimpressed with how I’m handling this relationship.
I’m actually sort of disgusted.
Check back next week for “How Long Until My Naysaying Ruins This”… what a fucking stupid woman does when an actual decent guy comes into her life.
Clearly, that chapter is going to write itself.
Ugh.
I get this and have been through some shit too though I've not talked about that much with you..
1) It's not a stupid question. Given what little bits I know of your history combined with where I've been in both very bad relationships and a couple of good ones, it's a perfectly reasonable question.
2) Even though you might have trouble seeing it, from what you've said about this guy (his calm in the face of freakout, etc) you absolutely ARE one of the people being pined for in this deal.. and it shows in his smile and in his treating you with respect even when you feel your losing it.
This last is HUGE, and it's also hugely uncomfortable for those of us unused to such.
We aren't used to being close with folks who are comfortable enough in their own skin that they don't need to dis folks in order to feel better about themselves. That calm centeredness sets off alarms (false though they may be) for we who've been abused.
Here's the deal though.. if'n ya ain't betting then ya CAN'T win.
Keep putting those chips up. You've got Aces and 8s in your hand. Time to double down (from what I can tell a couple thousand miles away;})
And again.. I don't have the words to tell you how happy I am for you, and how proud I am for you stepping up after all you've been through!
Now.. quit chopping onions in my kitchen and go enjoy!
I relate to every--single-word of this. I GET IT, and I'm sorry that life brought you here. It really sucks. But, at least you recognize it now, and you are the captain of your ship. RIGHT? YOU GOT THIS.