Y’all know my homegirl Melissa, AKA Meme, because I speak of her often. Straight up the most solid bitch I know. Listen, I could call this bitch from anywhere on the planet and tell her I’m in trouble, her keys will be jingling before we hang up the phone. Her ass is coming to get me, I don’t give a fuck what the circumstances are, and she has proven it countless times.
I would say I love her like family, but she actually fucking comes through for me, and doesn’t lie to my fucking face, so really, I love her way more than family. However, I digress.
Last night, I’m sitting here kicking it, doing some work as I usually am, Meme calls. Tells me she’s coming over, all good. Come on. However, her car is on the fritz, so she’s taking an Uber the 2.2 mile distance between our houses.
Ok, fantastic, I’ll be here in my office, door is open. But that can’t be the end of the story, because it’s Melissa. Let me recount for y’all some of the fucking texts this bitch sends me in the interim, because they are ridiculous:
“I dunno why there are no drivers, these fuckers hate money, it’s 2 minutes”
“Miss Kim is going to be my driver, she looks like she taught elementary school, but is now in administration. Probably carries a tote that says ‘Does this tote make my papers look graded?’”
“Driver cancelled”
“Tom is my driver, he’s 7 minutes away. Tom looks like he reads Shakespeare and collects taxidermy animals”.
“Tom’s the real MVP tho”
At this point, I’m fucking dying. Like, a 2.2 mile trip and if y’all only knew, this is exactly what a trip to the corner store with Meme is like. Every. Fucking. Time. As a matter of fact, the picture on this column, we were going for a coffee. Two hours later, this is my souvenir photo.
Listen, if y’all don’t have a friend that makes you laugh this hard at Uber drivers, you’re missing out. I told her, don’t fuck around and get your car cancelled talking taxidermy shit with this dude. She’s like, “we’ll talk Shakespeare then”.
I can’t.
It’s my friendships like this that remind me not having someone to rap “Push It” with while making dinner isn’t all that bad, because she knows the dryer porn situation, and agrees it’s one of my funnier bits. And also reminds me that if I had a someone, maybe I wouldn’t be this funny, because I wouldn’t need to be.
I’m funny because it’s kryptonite to sad. And I don’t give a fuck what anyone says, funny makes you more attractive. I’ve been with some unfunny dudes, though not for long. You want to see somebody become unattractive quickly? Let them not laugh at some funny shit I’ve said.
Psssh. Must have left your sense of humor in your other fanny pack, guy. Why don’t you run on home and fetch that shit?
Yes, now. For the love of fuck. STAT, sir. We’ll reconvene once you get that serious ass look off your face. Probably. Maybe.
-Q
Melissa sounds amazing
I was trying so hard not to laugh. Got all the way to "we'll do Shakespeare then", and lost it!