Bitchfaces, nice to see y’all. How’s everyone? Sloppy hos in the back, glad y’all could come down and cut your eyes and whisper amongst one another. I know y’all super big mad to see me smiling about nothing and giving no fucks about the comfortable chairs being taken by people ready to see if I am, indeed, certifiable.
I am.
So, tonight I was doing some laundry. No big deal, I usually do one a day or so, I hate a pile-up. Well, I just so happen to have a panic room that made a weird layout happen on that side of my house. So, when you are in my laundry room, you damned near have to do yoga to get those last couple of socks who like to hang out on the dryer drum arms trying to become lost halves of a pair.
Me being me, and slightly off kilter, every single time I get in the dryer like that, I say, out loud, “noooo….stepdryer….we really shouldn’t….”
I know, but it’s fucking funny every time. It’s never going to not be funny. Except tonight, when I was in the laundry room and could hear Frank and his wife having a conversation as though they were in the laundry room with me.
Which means it’s definitely more than likely they hear my porn joke every fucking time I make it.
Now, I honestly don’t care if they find the joke funny, because it’s funny. I laugh with my belly every time, and if you don’t understand how hilarious it is when my entire upper body is in the dryer and my ass is pinned to the wall and that’s what I have to say, bring your ass to the house. One time, in person, you’ll laugh about it every time too.
It got me thinking about all my other randomisms. I’m alone a lot, as y’all are aware. It’s usually just myself and Puffin, and I go weeks on end without seeing anyone other than the mailman, and sometimes my neighbors on either side. Yet, I have dumb ass jokes like that for about 90% of the things I do in my house.
For example, when I am cooking, and grab the salt and pepper, instantly, I’m pulling the “Salt n Peppa here, and we’re in effect…” Push It verse from my vault of random song lyrics, and yes, I do the dance with it, too.
Imagine being Puffin. That poor dog has to watch this shit. Every fucking day.
I should get her an emotional support dog, because there’s no fucking way she isn’t scarred from living with me.
As though the aforementioned isn’t bad enough, y’all know I have that whole affinity for 80’s hair music shit happening too. Tonight, I flipped my hair to the side while vacuuming, and it for some reason struck me as very Def Leppard-ish.
Ah goddam. It was on and poppin after that, me and the vacuum hose pulling karaoke out of thin air. Puffin literally got off of the couch to go lay in the space between the recliner and the wall.
I think she probably hates me. So I sang louder, because fuck that, you don’t pay the bills here, little dog.
Little freeloa-
I digress.
I missed all of my idiotisms while I was in the company of other people for the last month. It feels great to be back to the laundry porn, and 80’s rap videos, and the million other things that I do here, because this is my safe place. I hope I never have to pretend to be normal again. It was fucking exhausting.
I hope all of you have a laundry porn, and a spice song, and whatever else gives you peace in your home. I know the most fortunate of you have someone who sings spice songs with you, although I try not to think about the laundry porn in those cases.
Y’all know I’m uncomfortable with people telling me anything sexual. I’m not a fucking sex writer, they’ve got other bitches for that.
When someone sees your idiotism and recognizes it as one they share in common, it’s how you know your tribe. That’s why inside jokes exist. It’s the thing I miss the most about being married. I assure you, if either of my husbands were here, and I asked for salt and pepper, they would be singing the same song. I know it to be a fact.
If things like that could save a marriage, right? Well, here’s to hoping my next husband enjoys the laundry porn joke as much as I do. And if someone doesn’t laugh about it, at least I have the early indication that they’re lame and obviously not my person.
There are tests in life, people. Partners should pass them.
Y’all know the parameters I’m working with over here now. I’ll just be over here collecting socks from the deepest recesses of my dryer, waiting for the opportunity to crack the same tired ass joke, because if you can’t be happy alone, then you really can’t be happy.
I gotta go, I just heard the dryer buzz.
“….nooooo, stepdryer…”
Good grief. So tired of cleaning Coke Zero/coffee off my screen. Damn you girl! LMFAO! So, we ate Ham dinner all through the year. Anyone says "hey that's for holidays" can kiss my butt. Anyway, remember Weird Al's Ham On It parody? Every time we were preparing Ham, we sang that song. Every, single, time. To the point the kids disowned us! So yes, I get you, but you knew that already huh?
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Puffin was supposed to have an ESA by now