I Won't Lie, It's Still A Real Fucking Challenge...
20 years later, yet I can be back in that day in a moment.
I’ve been absent from work for a few days and spent it in my feelings. Allow me to digress.
My daughter passed 20 years ago this weekend. That’s a big number, and with that much time to cushion the hurt, you would think I would fare a little better than I do with it.
I don’t.
I didn’t even bother to get out of bed yesterday if you want the truth. I don’t feel like, at 42, I need to get out of bed if I don’t feel like it. I know they say it’s healthier to push through it, to just try to move past it, to not allow yourself the luxury of sitting around living in the emotions.
However, they don’t have deceased children, so they can kiss my ass.
I don’t talk much about that time in my life, never about her, because she’s mine to keep that way. Only one other person on Earth knows that horror, and he isn’t talking about it either. I’m glad her Dad has moved on, because I know he isn’t just frozen, as I seem to be.
I know a lot of SIDS parents who say you have to always keep their name in conversations, you have to talk about them all the time. Not me. I keep her all to myself, because she is mine and mine alone that way.
I’m a selfish bitch, I act like that.
So, I’m back at work, and I’m fucking winging it in the feelings department. You can try to step on my toes, but I wouldn’t advise it. I am in one of those moods. Like, I’ll strip you out of your fucking flesh if you play with me moods.
But hey, I can’t help it if you think today is the day. Bring it to the door, I’ll answer.
I'm so very sorry for ur loss. They say it gets better with time but I don't think it ever does. Sure u learn more ways to cope but the pain is still very fucking fresh and real! Sending u hugs & positive vibes. We are here for u! Not only on ur kickass days when u are top notch but when ur having the worst days as well. All my love! XoxoX
Sending you hugs and love. You grieve how you feel like grieving; nobody has the right to say you’re wrong.