I Guess I Need To Repeat Myself...

Some people just aren't getting it.

Bitchfaces, how goes it?

That’s fantastic, and I am as well, thanks for asking. Here’s what I’m not doing, however, and I hope none of you are either; falling for romance schemes, especially from people who aren’t even trying that hard.

Listen, I don’t care if we’re talking about Wesley Snipes. Nobody owes the IRS so much that they were once a celebrity but now need you to send them money to get their passport renewed to leave Finland to visit you. Even the IRS will leave you enough for the passport home, buddy.

I assure you that if the woman you were chatting with yesterday was really the former lead singer of Veruca Salt, she wouldn’t be telling you about her overdue light bill and asking you to Venmo it to her. It’s genuinely not her in the chat, homie.

Really.

Now, before I misspeak, if you were in the chat with a former porn star who now tells you she’s living in underground Vegas and subsisting on meth, yeah, that one is probably true.

I’ve seen the video interviews, and they’re really just sad. I take no pleasure in telling y’all about that situation, but we could see that coming, if we’re being honest.

For the rest of you who have a friend or family member who is chatting with some B list celebrity and drawing up the paperwork to get a second mortgage on their home, please file for a conservatorship. Like, now.

This is the time to step between that person and their financial decisions unless you want to have your grandma living in your attic for the next 27 years.

Or maybe you want granny in the attic. I don’t know how your hauntings are set up, but I can assure you, if I hear a rocking chair in my attic, we got a fucking problem.

The moral of the story is this; you can tell anyone anything. Some of them will believe you, and that’s cool, y’all fabricate whatever type of relationship you would like with one another, who am I to judge?

When these stories come with a price tag, though, stop for a moment and think about what you’re really doing.

Does this person care what happens to you after you pay their “bill”? Does this person ask for something every time you’re in contact? If you don’t know who you’re chatting with, there are about 7 million tools out there to help you get those answers. If you don’t know how to look, shoot me the info.

I’ll find their ass. And fast.

Don’t be like my friend’s aunt, who recently lost her home because she took a second mortgage out upon the request of Liam Neeson. Except, as we all know, it wasn’t Liam Neeson, not even when he was drinking heavily.

It was a real mortgage, though, and a real scammer who took her money and gave not a zero fuck about what happened after they got their payment.

So, if you aren’t sure, even 1% doubtful, what do we do, class? That’s right. We find someone who can filter the trash out of the interwebs, and we verify who is actually getting the cash.

I can’t help you after you’ve sent them your house payment, but I’ve got the time to run their phone number through my Oracle engine, so be smart about things.

Let’s all make it out of here with our paychecks, capeesh?

-Q