Y’all know I follow several of the sex writers on a few of the platforms I’m published on, including here on Substack. I’m quite envious of their ability to take the absolute sluttiest sounding shit ever typed and turn it into a nicely formatted, slutty sounding graphic ass article.
Their asses really bring the noise, too. I’m talking, these bitches make me blush at 7 a.m. when the morning edition comes through. I’m usually thinking, “I wonder if people are up having coffee before they go to the office reading this shit?”.
But, as I have found out through reading these exact same sex writers, people aren’t as buttoned down as I once believed. It seems everyone has a kink, an arrangement, a closet fetish. Everyone is just throwing on some latex and licking high heels on a Tuesday after work, apparently, and I have been out of the fucking loop, quite literally.
Today, I received my newsletter from one of said sex writers, and it tells me of the event this weekend, the Alternative Relationship Summit. What this is all about, they tell me, is that all the people with whatever type of relationship isn’t 1 he and 1 she, nothing else, just those two, just like that, are considered an alternative relationship.
So, this summit is to “discuss jealousy and other challenges that people think about when considering alternative relationship types”.
“Also, THE ARS will feature an array of speakers who will discuss various alternative approaches to romantic and erotic relationships.”
Bitch, I gotta hear what these folk are saying. I mean, with the earful I get from the columns, psssshhh… But this is the real deal meeting of the exact material I’ve been embarrassed reading about. This is the other bitches in the stories with these bitches!
So, it’s all going to be on video, some absurd number of hours of speakers, and I can tell y’all right the fuck now, I’m getting myself a copy of those speakers and their tales of swinging and polys and whatever they got going on. I know it’s gonna get a little intense, and I aim to ask the uncomfortable questions that could possibly lead to funny shit I can relay to y’all.
I want to ask a few questions for my damned self. Like, why in the fuck are you married if you’re just banging other people all the time? The whole reason I got married was so I didn’t have to worry about banging other people. It was a huge relief, actually, an instant stress minimizer in my life. Clearly, not the case any longer, but I digress.
I don’t understand the multiple people situation relationship. I just don’t, it’s beyond me, and I don’t have a problem admitting that to y’all. For me, you’ve just taken everything I like about marriage and thrown that shit out the window, replacing it with strange, slightly buzzed people wearing robes that are 3/4 of the way open at noon on a Thursday. It makes me fucking uncomfortable.
However, that’s my hang up, not anyone else, so I do the sensible thing, and I don’t join any throuples. Or poly’s. Or whatever the fuck it is when you add some more bitches to those bitches in the poly. Fuck it, geometry isn’t my strong suit, so sue me.
I intend to get myself a seat at this show, and I’ll be working on that for the remainder of the evening. Well, that and my list of questions for the sex writers. The girl who wrote about blowing the two dudes in the airport bathroom is probably going to be there, so I could get a leg up on the terminology from her. She clearly has no problem multitasking, so it probably won’t even distract her.
Am I the only one who isn’t in some clown car version of a relationship these days? Does everyone out there have an Alternative Relationship? Have I been left behind when I fell off the relationship wagon?
Somebody tell a Bitchface what is really going on out there…I mean, not what y’all are doing, because y’all know I’m uncomfortable talking about your sex lives. It makes me feel icky. Don’t do that. I mean the non-erotic side of shit, are y’all all 4 going to Publix together? Who is paying for your trip to Publix, if so? I mean, these are the practical fucking questions, because I don’t have grocery money like that to just be feeding 5 and 6 other folk.
Chime in, tell a Bitchface how many bitches y’all have on your team.
No sandwiches and no patience for bullshit in this marriage
Being aro/ace, I’m good with just me and my dog ;D