How Writing Professionally Is Like Being A Trap Queen...
Oh, yeah, bitch. The similarities are fucking uncanny.
Bitchfaces, in case you’ve forgotten, I do funny best. It’s my greatest attribute, the fact that I could have fun at an insurance seminar. A funeral procession. Work.
These, my friends and the horrid bitches in the back row, are the things I’ve noticed about writing professionally lately that really make me feel like I’m trap queening again, just moving a different product.
Legit Likeness #1
Your fucking customers are always bitching about something.
“Oh, well this would be amazing if there was just a little more to it. You can’t top that off?”
“Well, how early can you get it to me? That late? Ssssss….wow….”
Legit Likeness #2
Your fucking customers have zero respect for your personal time.
“Well, I’d love to have it ready by the time I reach the office. You sure you can’t zip it right over before breakfast?”
Legit Likeness #3
You can fucking forget about taking a day off.
“Weren’t you just off on Flag Day, 2004?”
“If you can’t deliver, let me know, I’ll get another writer/dealer to cover it.”
Legit Likeness #4
The cops definitely know who you are. You just better pray they catch you on the day before reup day.
Shit like this isn’t making me any friends.
Legit Likeness #5
How the fuck did I get all of these friends all of the sudden? Then…
Hey, where did all of my friends go?
Legit Likeness #6
I feel pretty weird about this money. I mean, it’s not even really work.
I just talk so much shit. Like. Always.
Legit Likeness #7
I’m pretty sure if they thought I would throw some words at them, someone would take their clothes off if I told them to.
I don’t even need to follow that up. Let’s be serious. Y’all know what time it is.
Legit Likeness #8
There is a healthy amount of fear of me at this point. I like it.
I wouldn’t want to be this dude, who strangely removed me from his mailing list. Perhaps I offended him.
Legit Likeness #9
I’ve got a lot of fucking secrets that I can’t tell.
“Dear Bitchface,
So I’ve been fucking my sister, and 4 of my first cousins for a while…”
Legit Likeness #10
You’ve got to cut it some if you expect to make a profit.
Oh, you’ll get 1500 words all right, but I got 700 of them from a column I wrote last year.
That’s it. I gotta go sling some fucking verbs and adjectives. And I got an elbow of nouns to bag up. I’ll be ziplocking all night at this rate.
This! Just this!!!! PERFECT