Hello y’all…Bitchfaces…dirty hos in the back row…appreciate y’all stepping away from the yams to holler at your girl.
I was about yay deep in my work tonight and realized I have not come over to kick off this holiday shit show as I always do with y’all. Fortunately for me, The GMP has already done my dirty work.
Y’all know how I always say, “sis, if he’s beating your ass at the holidays, it’s because he likes to beat your ass, not because he had to buy your daddy a socket set”? Yea, that’s the column they picked up this week.
So, all y’all old timers know the fucking drill. If you need me, I don’t take holidays, and I haven’t had a day off since Flag Day of 2004. Thus, you can reach me on the Bitchface lines, same as usual. Hit the logo, dial me on the Whatsapp, get me on the Signal. Y’all know.
Here’s what you don’t do. You don’t think that it will get better after the new year. It won’t. Don’t tell yourself it’s your fault because the fucking turkey is dry. Again. It isn’t. (I mean, yes, sis, the turkey is dry as fuck. Still not your fault, though).
I’m here if you need me. Uber out. Exit plan. Get your dog into a joint so you can run. Whatever you need, hit me up, let’s get these motherfucking holidays poppin.
I got you.
Go read the column on The GMP. Show a Bitchface some love. And don’t fuck around and think nobody cares about your ass and get all Gloomy Gloria on me. I care. I’m still here. And I’ll choke that dry ass fucking turkey down with a half smile on my face, believe it.
Don’t give any to Puffin though, she’s an asshole. She’ll let you know it just ain’t good.
Happy Thanksgiving, Bitchfaces. I love you, and baste that fucking turkey, for the love of God.
Heyhey, solve that dry turkey problem the vegan way and make portobello steaks. (That's what I'm'a do.) Doggo still won't eat it but that's less of an insult. 😅 (For real though, meat eaters try covering the top with bacon before you put it in. I never had a dry turkey when I did that.)
Ugh, why is the turkey always so dry 😭
I feel like i do everything they say to do to combate the dryness..brining and giving it a massage with butter, and fucking cooking it upside down in an Apple Cider bath and all other manner of nonsense... I swear, it's not possible to have a juicy turkey and it's all a ploy just to get us to feel inferior about our turkey skills!
Have a Happy Holiday, sis ❤️