You know, I’ve been overthinking on The King Of The Fuckboys today, and it always brings me back to one thought on the matter:
For all of the things Derek isn’t with regard to commitment, he can always be counted on to show up in nice shoes, and he always has time to knock something off, I don’t care if it’s 1 in the morning on a Tuesday, or on Flag Day at 3:15 in the afternoon. I started wondering, though, is this a universal Fuckboy trait, or is it simply something I’ve assigned to them because of my personal experience.
In my conversations with readers, we’ve talked many shades of Fuckboy, covering the garden variety Fuckboy all the way to the latest upgrade, the Fuckboy 5.0. The common thread that you can find among the women putting up with the Fuckboy nonsense is that they will usually tell me upfront, “I mean, the sex is incredible, but there’s really not shit else happening,” and I can completely understand exactly what they mean.
Now, with The King of the Fuckboys, there’s obviously more to our story because we have an extensive history, but I will tell you that for a number of years, I was able to reduce the good majority of our history to simply “Good Dick, Nice Shoes”.
It kept everything neatly compartmentalized, and I was able to fit him into my closet among his brethren. But, when I revisit the number of years I have spent really involved in his life, the fact that I can pick up on a conversation that I had with him years ago as though no time has elapsed at all, obviously it lends a different connotation to the tale.
I can tell you factually that every single Fuckboy I’ve had the misfortune of encountering has always worn nice shoes. And, it also seems, they all have the open agenda policy on knockoffs as well. It’s the unspoken Fuckboy credo, it’s simply what they do.
They have the intention of the plumber in the porn; they’re there to possibly do a household task for a few dollars, and they’ll drop off some dick in the midst. That’s not meant to sound as though they don’t serve a purpose at the time; of course they do. There wouldn’t be so many women out here with a Fuckboy on speed dial if they didn’t.
It’s the expectation that they’ll step up to stand in for other roles that leaves us with such a proverbial bad taste in our mouths. The Fuckboy is content being Good Dick and Nice Shoes. They don’t tell you that part, though, it’s the sale of the dream that gets him inside of your good graces and under your kitchen sink to begin with, right?
Ladies, if you have a guy in your life that always shows up in those new releases, and he is handy with a pipe wrench, let’s talk about this candidly.
I know that my problem was, and sometimes obviously still is, I have to apply labels and sort into boxes. It’s an OCD’ish quality that I have, and I’m not sure it’s a positive in every aspect of my life. Certainly in the area of relationships, it’s done me a serious disservice.
Thus, I’m always taking words and allowing them to stand in as credit for actions. It’s something I’m working on. I still get tangled up in the word soup, and have to leap onto the backs of the animal cracker giraffes for a lift out of the bowl.
I know that, in my personal experiences, Good Dick and Nice Shoes are the early warning system, the “Check Fluids” dummy light I have been ignoring for the last 1,872 miles, basically hoping that if it turns catastrophic, I can coast it to an off-ramp.
I am almost willing at this point to pull out my markers, and we can go to the white board for the stats. I have a 95% accuracy rating as of today on this topic, and that’s a 14-year spread. Look, right next to Nostradomaus and Baby Jesus’ averages, that’s somewhere where that number would fall. I’m just that good, honestly, and that’s not me being boastful because goddamit, look at the subject matter.
As Brian says, “we all have our strengths”, and I think that’s his way of saying that I had better put this useless talent of being the Penny and the Brain for the Fuckboy Foundation to use to pay some of these big ass bills around here.
Let’s call it a “not mutually exclusive” type of descriptive. Not all dudes with Good Dick and Nice Shoes are Fuckboys, but all Fuckboys have Good Dick and Nice Shoes.