I don’t care what this sounds like, look at the look on my face.
I know we’re on the same continent now but I don’t care.
To me, you’re still a million fucking song lyrics I saved and you’re a thousand fucking columns I wrote and didn’t publish and you’re still every fucking dream I had and every single tear I never told you I let myself cry.
And I know you know. And I feel that way. And I can’t take it back.
But I know what I said. I said on this continent I would still pretend I wasn’t thinking about it. I was gonna pretend I never even asked my heart about it.
That it isn’t something shooting from my fingertips, that it isn’t something snaking through my soul.
It’s just hey how are you fine appreciate it lets just meet back here tomorrow and pretend to pretend again. Just exactly as it was.
I’ll put it back exactly as we left it. Pretend I never disassembled it and stacked it in funny, misshapen versions, and lumpy caricatures, and that really, I never even checked to see if it was still alive. Just left it like unwatered plants in the sun to wither away.
Is that better? Is that a more comfortable fit for you, sir?
God I hope so. I hope this is the way it’s supposed to sound when I say good morning and really I mean that I love you.
I hope this is what it’s supposed to sound like when everything I don’t say means exactly that too.
I don’t know what else to do except to cram it a little deeper into the hollow spot in my chest and tamp it down angrily with my stupid garden trough.
I’ll plant it right there in the sun to wither away, next to the others I will say I forgot to check on but really I checked on them every day.
I hope I’m able to look the part, to sound the part, to completely and utterly carve lies in my heart. Because you want that, ultimately, it’s always the bottom line. I can only love you if you think I don’t love you.
Welcome home, my love. As you can see, nothing has changed.
Wow, what beautiful imagery!!!!! I take it that he made it home safely 💜
One of the worst things I do in relationships is lie to myself. It sounds like this guy didn't show up? I feel like I missed part of the story. But anyway, better to find out early if someone is not right and be real honest with ourselves about it. It took me a long time to see the actual reality of my last relationship. (Guy's life was a dumpster fire, and he was nothing like he made out to be.) Nothing horrible happened except I fell in love with him and simply could NOT see reality. But then wondered why there was all this friction. I'm finally out of the fog 6 months later, and I'm like, "Why did I even like this guy???" 🤪