For my friend, please know I'm thinking of you...
I wish I could fix it. I would totally fix it.
So, I’ll just jump into this with both feet because that’s my usual fashion, and because I don’t know how to ease into anything.
My friend lost her husband to an accident. I can’t begin to tell you how absolutely horrible I feel for her, how awful it is to sit and know that someone you care about is hurting in the darkest and most painful of ways, and you can’t do anything to help them.
I wish I could be on the next flight, making her coffee and holding her hand. I know the tasks she has ahead of her, and I don’t wish them on my worst enemy.
She’s a tough chic, I understand that, but I’ll tell you right now I collapsed to the floor when I got the news that Corey died. And we had been apart for 5 years. He wasn’t a part of my life any longer, just a part of my memories.
What do you do? What do you do to help someone through the most painful experience they’ll face? Outside of losing Taylor, I’ve never felt a knife so sharp than hearing the words “Corey passed away”. I can’t put myself in her shoes, because I haven’t stood in that horrible existence, and I pray to God I never do.
Maybe that’s the easiest part of being me. Maybe I keep everyone at arm’s length to prevent being in this position. Maybe I’m not strong enough to take a walk in my girls’ shoes. I know this: sitting on the sideline and watching her do this is tearing my heart apart.
For those of you who have someone to love, I urge you, please...love them. Love them like you don’t have a tomorrow, because you don’t know. You aren’t promised. It isn’t certain. There is a fate that’s kind and a fate that’s cruel, and until the stone has been etched, you don’t know which one you’ll be gifted from.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, they say it’s better loved and lost, but I will argue that I know loss, and I know pain, and there are times I wish I hadn’t met them in such an intimate setting. Maybe fate is a toss-up, a hat trick, a heads or tails type of discussion. Maybe instead of being written for us, maybe we just get this Houdini version of Guess Who that will leave us broken no matter which hand we choose.
I will say this, when good people have to have the worst of trials, I again ask myself “what’s the point?” What is the point of falling in love and making a life and being there day in and day out? What is the reason for hurting like this? Is it worth it in the end?
I’m not sure. I don’t know the answer. I just know that whatever party game those two asshole fates decided to play, they dealt my friend a raw deal. I’m so sorry, girl, I love you so much and I’m so sorry. If I could, I would shoulder this. I would take every bit of it and shove it down into my little black soul because it would feel at home there. You got the raw end of this one, lady. I’m so absolutely fucking sorry.