Dear Bitchface,
Before you tell me I’m wrong for seeing a married guy, let me explain. He is actually in the process of getting divorced. Something strange happened recently, and it’s caused me to take a step back.
When he and I initially connected, he seemed very receptive to the idea of being in a relationship with me. However, even though we’ve not had any issues or fights, he is now telling me he wants to move at a slower pace. What did I do wrong?
Perplexed
Dear Perplexed,
Sis, allow me to clarify this whole allegedly murky scenario for you. This dude is still married. If he is a) actually trying to divorce, what in the fuck would he want to be involved in a relationship for? He hasn’t had the post-divorce illin yet, he hasn’t done the ritual that returns your soul to your body after you finally shake off the bad juju of a nasty divorce, and he hasn’t yet gone out as a single guy and seen firsthand that he can’t do any better than you.
That last one is the important one.
Now, I myself am divorced. Let me explain to you what my divorce looked like. I would leave my job, as a fucking engineer, no less, go home where all my homegirls were already drinking and getting ready, and pre-game from about 7 to 10 pm.
Every fucking night, Sunday through Sunday, and I do mean every night. Then we would figure out where we were going to go play Conway on the jukebox, excessively chatter about nonsense, drink literally every drink and shot sent to the table, go back to the house and drink until about 4, right before my hour nap and mountain dew before getting ready and leaving for work.
When I tell you that we celebrated my divorce as though I had narrowly avoided the death penalty, it really doesn’t cover it. I will not discuss any further matters from that period, mostly because I can barely remember any. What I do know for certain, though, is that you couldn’t even get my attention for long enough to get my number.
Hell no. Fuck no.
Bro, I just got done taking care of one man who wouldn’t hold a job, and then pretended it made me a bad person when I got mad about it. It’s 3am on a Wednesday, sir. You gotta clock in time, or?
No, thank you. Let me just get back to this Conway and whatever this shot is supposed to be. You’re about 24 months too early to talk to me.
Divorce is only sad when you’re still in it. Afterward, shit. Bitch please. Overnight I dropped 25 pounds, my hair grew 5 silky inches, and I remembered why my husband was so opposed to me being in bars.
Once your dude is divorced, if he is indeed getting divorced, this is the type of shit that is on the horizon. Not because you necessarily need to be drinking everywhere, all the time, with everyone, but people seem to think they owe you a beer for living through the property division.
Also, lots of people like to take the time to tell you that you were always too good for your ex, and that nobody is surprised. It’s a whole fucking thing. I don’t know. Divorces invite honesty from casual acquaintances, apparently.
So, your guy is either getting ready for this type of shit, or your guy is not even in the province which houses divorce yet. This seems to be a second popular option with a lot of “single” men.
They like to check out what type of options they may have, disclaimer necessary here, should they actually not take their wife at her word about couples counseling and leaving the job his affair partner still works at.
This one is really all the rage these days, seems a lot of guys are enjoying taking divorce out for a test drive, but you can physically watch the wind leave their sails the first weekend they have their kids by themselves.
Um, quick question. Does he have kids?
Are you watching them every other weekend?
*sucks teeth for a second for dramatic flair*
Yeah, don’t do that. You don’t want to start doing that. Like, at all.
I have a homegirl, one of the ones who was with me during Divorce-Drunk-Conway time, matter of fact. Hollie Hightitties, that’s her. She’s now with her “I’m getting divorced” boyfriend. Still has his 3 kids every other weekend. Oh, not him. No. He works those days.
She has those kids. And that divorce was just finalized maybe two years ago. Bitch, my divorce was in 2015.
Yeah. That long.
Guess they really had a lot to discuss, seeing as how they owned nothing together, and made nearly the same money.
Right.
But, Hollie loves him (pardon me, just a second… okay, I just had to roll my eyes all the way back into my neck muscles for a second). So, what do you do other than be supportive from a distance, and hope it doesn’t become a divorce test drive.
He liked the way the new ride handled, apparently. They don’t always, though. Sometimes, they decide the new interest rate, or that full coverage insurance is a real deal breaker. Then they do that “no harm, no foul” shit. And it usually starts off with “I’d like us to move at a slower pace….”
I’m sorry, sis. I wish I could give you some good news, but good news doesn’t start with “I’d like to take us to the previous level in our relationship”.
It just doesn’t.
Sigh. I’m wishing for the best outcome for you, though. And, if he breaks up with you, we’ll go have some shots and Conway, ok?
Q