Hello, everyone. Welcome to another draw from the AaBF inbox and another “Dear Bitchface”. If you have questions about relationships, fuckboys, exes, babymommas, or other general drama, hit a Bitchface up. askmsmaconaboutit@gmail.com.
I will do my best to answer like I’m not chewing a hole through it if your question should be rhetorical, but no promises. Even I can only do so much.
Let’s get to it, aight.
Dear Bitchface,
I’ve been talking to/dating this guy lately. Really great guy, it seems, he’s just not much for attachment. He’s 28, has never been married, no kids. Anytime I see him, he comes over, and he’ll stay most of the day, but he never stays the night. He lives an hour and a half away and says he would rather make the drive to me than ask me to come to him. I used to think it was sweet, but now I’m starting to question things. Is he coming to my place because he doesn’t want to be seen with me? Why doesn’t he stay the night? Does this sound legitimately like single guy behavior? Thanks, *waves well-manicured hand in thanks*
Suspiciously Single
*waves well-manicured hand in hello* Suspect it is, sis, and you’re right to have questions. I’m going to break this thing down to the least possible common denominator, as I have the whiteboard, the backup whiteboard, and at least 15 colors of dry-erase marker ready to rock. Let’s get to the root of this evil.
“ but he never stays the night.” “but he has to be home before someone notices his absence.” I have had many places of my own because I’m generally unpleasant and don’t like people touching my things. So, with my long history of fuckboys, you can imagine the countless number of them that tried to weasel their way into my house to sleep in my super comfy sheets, eat up all my fucking cheesy poofs, put their shoes up on my coffee table, and really get on my fucking nerves.
I’ll tell you this; if he’s spending time, just hanging out with you, not just sleeping with you while he’s over, yet suddenly must be home by the time the streetlights come on, that’s a flag so red it’s fucking magenta, sis. Have you asked him why he doesn’t stay over? If you haven’t, you need to. This is usually telltale behavior of an affair because he has to be home and showered by the time his wife gets back from her 7 p.m. spin class.
Dudes who are just going home to 3 half bottles of Bud Light in the fridge, sheets never put back on the bed from the time their ex-girlfriend washed them, and MMA on the DVR don’t mind staying over. They enjoy sleeping on our comfy, clean sheets, they don’t mind the citrus cacciatore we have going in the crock pot, and they’ll even sit on the couch and hog our remote to aimlessly flip channels for a few hours before going to bed.
They may not stay every time, but they stay. And typically, a lot of the time. Unless it’s a dog situation, like they have to go home and let their good, good boy out, they’re going to stay where it’s comfortable, there’s food that isn’t stale pizza or that jumbo economy pack of all mystery meat hot dogs that’s been in the fridge for a month. And they can say what they want, but usually, they like our HGTV shows and our nice suede couch that doesn’t smell like beer and bong water.
Does he have a good, good boy? If not, sis, I think you might be getting hosed. Point 2: “an hour and a half away and says he would rather make the drive to me than ask me to come to him” “he doesn’t want me coming to his place because something or someone is there he doesn’t want me to know about”.
Sis, this whole thing is starting to smell like a bad episode of Cheaters, and they don’t have any good episodes. Have you looked around for hidden cameras? This isn’t just suspect, punkin, this is a whole suspicious activity report. So, let me make sure I have this straight. He allegedly lives alone but doesn’t invite you over. He comes to your place, but won’t stay past Murder, She Wrote? Sis, you’re either someone’s Wednesday piece of ass, or you’ve got yourself someone’s husband for a boyfriend. And it sounds like it is more than likely both.
Listen, even after Ty and I divorced I still went and hung out at his place. Until whenever O’clock, because the dogs were there, the homies were always grilling and chilling, and my house was lonely and quiet. Until he started dating. Then I couldn’t hang out there anymore, and I understood, but it still sucked. He had to have a place he could bring someone back to that didn’t include his ex-wife rolling around in the grass with the pit bulls when they pulled up.
He was single. He had to look that way.
You could tell when you walked in. A whole bunch of sneakers at the door, Bud Light bottles overflowing from the trash outside, at least 3 grills somewhere on the property and the dishes were never done. Unlike my house, where the quiet would kill you, but you would die in an immaculate space with my heels arranged by height, then color, on my closet shelving.
The guy I dated before Corey, we were kind of a thing for a little bit. Every time I went over there and hung out with his awesome pit, Rascal, I ended up loading and unloading the dishwasher three times, and I always wiped the bathroom down when I was there. I just felt better for having tidied up a bit, I’m weird like that.
My point is, no matter how many times they’ve peed on the seat, or who is crashing on their couch, a guy you’re seeing, like really seeing, is going to have you over. It’s a “step into my cave, look at my sabretooth” thing. It’s a “have fire, add mastodon” situation. My point is this- if you mean something to this guy, and sometimes even if you don’t, he’s going to ask you to come by the crib. Usually, as a way to get you onto those sheets his ex washed and he just put back on for that reason today, but that’s neither here nor there.
Unless he has something to hide. Like a roommate in the form of a wife. Or he doesn’t want to be seen with you, because he’s just not feeling you like that. He’s only feeling you in a feeling you up-way, only on Wednesday from 1 to 5. Either one of these situations is really shitty because clearly you think it’s more than that. It isn’t boding well for that, sis. I hate to give you the bad news, but if I had to put my hard typed out money on it, I would say your boyfriend is another woman’s husband.
It explains the long drive to come and see you. It explains why he’s gone by a certain time every week. It explains why you don’t go to his place. A dog at home could be a reason for A. B is a whole different animal, and probably isn’t because of an animal. If I were you, I would do a little online sleuthing. This is the digital age, love. We’re all tagged in pics, I know I am from 15 years ago, and they look terrible, but it’s my homegirls I’m with that makes me keep the stupid ass tags attached. If he’s got a someone, he’s tagged somewhere with her, and that shit can be searched.
Take a look at his social media, see what shakes loose when you bump into a cabinet. If he’s still actively involved with her, he can’t just unhitch himself from everything they’re together in, not without red-flagging her. If his shit is completely private, you already have a whole suspect situation taking place, because that’s sort of odd, especially for a single dude. They want chics to be able to find them and send the mythical “inbox nudes” they all claim they receive.
Don’t cause a disruption, don’t cause a scene. Just give it a quick glance, and if anything looks off, you already had a clue something was wrong anyway. It’s why you wrote me. I would tread lightly going forward because I don’t think this has the makings of a relationship, I think this has the making of a friend with benefit, the benefit of course being for him, scenario. I don’t like the way any of this is sitting with me. My spidey senses, girl, they’re a-tingling.
Have a look, but don’t be surprised what you find. It’s already in my book as “cheating on his wife”. Sorry to have to confirm your suspicions, Single. Better luck with the next one, but at least you’ve got some behaviors to look for now.
I felt terrible while reading that. All I could think of is “ Honey, can’t you reread what you’re writing?” My guess is she knows but needed someone she could trust that isn’t directly involved in her life. Perhaps she needed to have her intuition/emotions validated. In any case, you were kind, nurturing and present, which is all anyone needs while in pain.
Here’s the important part….you came through to the other side, you are still the captain of your soul. 💜