What’s good, Bitchfaces?
Oh. That? Yeah. I saw that, too.
I mean, *waves well-manicured hand in the general direction of this*, y’all see this. It’s what I do baby.
I’ll tell you this. Here in my column I write to y’all, I try to keep it funny more times than not. If you’ve read or followed me on Medium, you know I do a lot of political pieces, and I will cut you to shreds in my columns over there in what Brian used to call “professional April”. Y’all know that shit where I’m so mad I don’t even cuss anymore?
Yeah, that’s those columns. Like, the Judge in Illinois who let the rapist go free after a jury found him guilty because the 16-year-old victim swam in bra and panties, so the rape was her fault. Like Weinstein and how I feel about men abusing their authority in the workplace. Like my feelings on women who don’t support the efforts of other women, and instead decide to sit in the back row and sneer at me the whole time I’m doing my fucking thing.
There is a very political climate over there. I mean hell, the Obamas publish over there (swoon), and you know my girl crush on Michelle is still just as strong as ever. Classy ass individual right there. I guess I have two very different audiences is what I’m saying, because sometimes I get on one of those tangents over here and you guys are like, “um…Ape, you uh…you cool?”
Over there I waltz in just pepper spraying dudes on the sidewalk out front and double clacking my stilettos on purpose and nobody bats an eyelash.
Maybe that’s how I keep my life in order. Sometimes I’m a Southern Superhero, really fucking taxing these bad husbands and piss poor dog owners. Other times, I just really wish that I had something other than work. And that diva bitch snoring on all three of my pillows right now.
But, knowing me, I’d fuck that up. Because I don’t have any chill, and I don’t know how not to do everything to goddamned death. It’s all black or white or wrong or right or in or out with me. I wish I could get some wishy wash, but I don’t have any place to keep that shit.
So, I’m going to continue elevating women. Probably gonna do some exit plans, shuffle some pets around, kick in a door or two if I have to. I’m going to keep doing what I’m best at, keep taking all of the memories of the people who tore me down and throwing them in the fire that keeps this fucking train moving.
Thermo goddamned dynamics, Bitchfaces. There’s that engineering degree for you.
I am thrilled that I received an accolade, of course. Right now, I’m just remembering everything I endured to have those stories to write. And it was a lot.
I’m thinking I better frame that fucking award.
Q
Well if there was a Pulitzer for this kind of thing, you got it.
Yassssssss, Bitch
Keep saying you're not a feminist - we all know better