Bitchfaces, greetings from the land of leopards eating our faces. Tonight, I think I’ll lead with news from the desk of the Fuhrer of Florida. Yes, our favorite autocrat, Ron “I just call him daddy” DeSantis.
So, after quietly observing all of the Southern states take stances banning or partially banning any reproductive health care for women, Daddy has done us the disservice of his poison pen, and even I can’t fucking believe this shit.
No, not the 6-week limitation. I expected that. Let’s talk about the part where unless you have some supplemental documentation, you’ll be giving birth to your rapist’s baby. And then he can sue you for visitation.
Okay, let’s run this back one more time. Slow bitches in the back row, pay attention, because some of y’all are going to need to know this.
You are a minor, raped by her father or stepfather. You get pregnant. You know that if you press charges you will wind up in a group home, your mother will blame you if your father does jail time, your siblings go into foster care, and basically any normalcy you had is dust. So, you just want an abortion so you can accept your scholarship and never come back to this piss poor excuse for a hometown.
Except. No. No thank you. Because you didn’t get the law involved, little girl, you get no abortion. You can have your sister daughter right there to the house, probably with a rusty butter knife and lukewarm well water, and your scholarship becomes the letter you cry into every night while you listen to your dad raping your sister in the next room.
That is what this means in this state. You can fucking ask me how I know, but if you do I reserve the right to tell you with all of the vitriol that morons deserve directed at them.
Even if you’re a young lady, a few beers deep and bad decisions on the agenda, your “best friend” gives no fucks that no means no, and that “friend zone” is an actual fucking area that means 6 feet off of my person. You feel like sharing custody on the holidays with some dude who waited until you were drunk to take advantage of your breakup tears, and now you’re saddled with his homely child? Nobody files a police report in these cases because the drama writes itself.
Should have had your fucking notary public with you, bitch. Should have had your stamp and seal at the helm, heaux. Should have, should have, should have.
I’m going to say something that may be offensive, but if I ever gave a fuck about that, I sure don’t now. If you are against the right to reproductive health care, you are a fucking moron and you clearly don’t understand how the world operates. Abortion is not solely for the circumstances you just read about. A DNC, you know, like when your wife miscarries your little half moronic ass baby and will literally die from septic shock if the material isn’t removed, that’s considered a fucking abortion. Dummy.
Even a miscarriage. Under medical terminology, that’s an abortion. When you outlaw “abortion” what you really do is give the fucking government free “intervention into your personal life” coupons to thumb through your file, pick some anomaly, and send your ass to prison for it. And men, if you think for a second this won’t come back to bite you in your “it doesn’t affect me, no vagina” asses, you’re fucking clueless.
How is your wife going to wash your dishes and raise your 5 bad ass offspring from a fucking prison cell after miscarrying Bud Jr. Jr. II? How will you watch Nascar all weekend, tuned up on Busch until you are face down in your dirt lawn with all them screaming ass fucking kids? You better learn some child rearing, because Bud Jr. Jr. already knocked up his girlfriend, and their Mother Sister says he can stay over to their trailer after the baby is born.
Looks like you’re fucked.
You think you want your religion making your laws until it’s your wife or daughter doing life in a Marion County prison. Then the leopards eat your face, and shit looks a little different after your eye orbits become toothpicks for a feline.
Pull your heads out of your asses. This is the beginning of the end of your freedoms, and men, if you like having a bangmaid and nanny, you better start pulling for some relief for the women you know. Now. This shit has gone far enough.
If you have questions about the importance of what I’m saying, I’m taking emails on this. Hit me at thequeen@askabitchface.net. If you take this as an opportunity to try to spout religion, understand that I am on the first fucking gondola into hell anyway, and I will be filling the empty seats with ignorant bitches who try to quote a Bible they don’t even fucking understand. Bring the noise, dummy.
The only good thing to come from all of this? DeSatan just made himself impossible to win a national race for president. I still hate my fellow Floridians for giving this guy unfettered reign of my state, FFS!
That men fail to understand how this affects them blows my mind. Last time I checked, men did not want all their ejaculatory mistakes to have a name.