Aye, One Of Y'all Grab That Leopard...
Murder kitty just gnawed these bitches whole damned face off.
Bitchfaces, y’all have been with me upward of 4 years now, most of you. You’ve undoubtedly seen the good majority of my fucking shenanigans at this point, and I, for one, am glad. I hate surprising folk with the dumb ass shit I do.
However, in all of the time that we’ve been chattermouthing, have you ever in the history of fuck no heard me say not to sit something to the side for yourself? To unpack your go bag, take your emergency run fund and deposit it into your joint account?
I don’t even need to fucking address how stupid that would be. This isn’t the remedial class.
*checks notes*
No. It certainly isn’t.
I apologize if you’ve read my column on Medium tonight and I sound slightly redundant. Wait. I fucking lied. I don’t apologize. You just accept this second column as me loving you twice as much and don’t make me do The Dumb Shit today.
Ungrateful ass non-reme-
I digress.
I’m here to discuss the Republican women in the Great State of Florida. Oh, they’re big fucking mad. I mean large. I mean excessively to the point of calling Susan at the HOA to bring her tape measure.
Yeah, that’s hype. That’s cartoon character smoke from the ears mad.
Here’s why:
Ron DeSantis, otherwise known here as that fat prick who has singlehandedly destroyed anything good about Florida in the past 8 years, has just signed in SB1416. Uh oh. Some people who despise bitches who get free rides are fixing to lose their free ride and they’re so, so pissed.
SB1416 strips away lifetime alimony, and instead replaces is with termed alimony based on marriage duration, health of divorcing parties, and other relevant facts. Oh, fuck. Here come those bitches with The First Wives Advocacy Group.
If that sounded to you like Susan from the HOA’s closest group of bitchy friends, you definitely are paying attention.
Here’s what those traitorous, soulless, horrid excuses for women had to say about someone not taking care of them in the lifestyle they’re accustomed to any longer.
“The so-called party of ‘family values’ has just contributed to the erosion of the Institution of marriage in Florida.”
I’ll address it, hol’ up, lemme tell y’all this other dumb shit first.
“(DeSantis) has impoverished all the older women of Florida”, and at least 3,000 women across Florida are “switching to Democrat to campaign against DeSantis all the way, forever”.
Oh, my fuck. Oh, Sweet Baby Jesus, it’s so much. It’s just a literal smorgasbord of the fucking dumbest shit that some uppity fucking bitch who has never held a job could manage to sputter in response to someone actually stripping some of their rights, because *clutches pearls* well, I never.
These broads gave no fucks when women were bleeding out in emergency room parking lots, because DNC equals fucking abortion to these judgmental twats. They didn’t care an iota about literal goddam human trafficking, or this stupid ass “woke war” that fat piece of shit thinks is going to get him a goddam presidential ticket.
They were eager to check for vaginas, and harass minorities, and ensure rents fucking skyrocketed to the point of inevitable homelessness for some families who were already barely fucking making it.
But God forbid these turkey necked twatzis have to get out of their pedal pushers and fucking Fitflops and actually go and fucking work. I personally knew a woman, divorced 25 years, with her current dude for 20, will never remarry because how will she fund her goddam high horse if she loses that fat ass alimony payment?
Now, listen, for you women who stayed home and raised a shit ton of kids, or disabled kids, or whatever, I know. I see y’all. This is not y’all. This is the group of bitches who are currently sitting on the sofa with their phone in hand because that teenage girl down the street and her boyfriend are in his car and they’re smoking and it’s probably weed.
Better get the fucking Sheriff’s department to roll up 6 cars deep, because that boyfriend is black, and how the fuck did they get in the gate?
If you’ve not had the pleasure of visiting Ft. Myers, please. Come to Florida. Let’s go on a little day trip. I’m game to show y’all some shit. Even The Villages is a close second to those cruel just for the sake of being a complete cunt bitches down there.
And now they’re super mad. .38 hot.
Ooooooh. Ron DeSantis better watch his ample ass.
As it turns out, Republican women don’t give a fuck about any other women who are having their necks stood on. But heaven forbid the neck getting jackbooted turns out to be one of their crepey ass necks.
After we catch this leopard, the Faces Being Eaten committee would like to talk about a significant pay raise for that little guy. Psss Psss Psss. Good kitty.
Let this be another example of the fact that, if you’re a woman, you get your own. Every time. I don’t give a fuck what you think you believe about love and blah fucking blah. Get your own, get it today, and put it up. Don’t ever rely on a man, the government, or some state legislation to save your ass. They’ll let you starve in the street.
Well, I mean, unless you’re like us Liberal ladies, out here pulling the next bitch out, because we understand the fucking struggle. And if you don’t, perhaps you should get the fuck over yourself, because they’re coming for you, too. Just ask Susan. That bitch just got her entitlement sliced up and served for dinner.
"turkey necked twatzis"
I literally snorted my water as I read this beautiful line!
🤣
It’s Twatzis for me!!!!