Are You Really Ready To Live With Him?
Some signs you may be...And some signs you're probably not...
I was told by a girlfriend of mine this weekend that she was moving in with her boyfriend of ten months. I guess I gave her a look that said what I wasn’t verbalizing because she immediately began defending her decision and giving me all of the reasons it wasn’t too soon.
I know that there is no magic number or secret formula for knowing the best time to decide to share a closet with someone. That doesn’t mean, though, that there aren’t certain milestones to look for prior to putting in that change of address form. If you are in the process of moving from dating to cohabitation, there are certain events that define you as a couple. If you can make it through some of the following events, living together is going to be a piece of cake for you and your beau:
Have you had a fight? A real, super angry, raised voices, and hurt feelings type of fight?
Whatever the issue was, be it jealousy, obnoxious behavior after drinking, or rude interactions with your friends, if it was a major blowout and you two got through it and are back to normal behavior with one another, you may have the conflict resolution between you to live together.
Have you been on a long road trip or vacation together?
Nothing will test your patience with another person like cramped quarters and unfamiliar roads. If you and he have been on a multi-state ride together, or away from home for multiple days together and you both made it home in one piece, you may be cohabitation compatible.
Have you gone through a traumatic life event with him by your side?
Things happen in life, that is a given. People close to us die, we lose jobs, friends betray us...whatever the horrible event that has occurred, if he was there with you and saw you during a dark time it might be a sign that he would make a good partner. Of course, if he behaved in any way less than stellar at that time, we don’t really need to be having this discussion, now do we?
Have you discussed your current financial standing and your 10-year financial plan?
Does he know that you have a 600 credit score right now because of a shoe addiction in college? Have the two of you discussed the fact that his parents taught him nothing about financial responsibility? Have you told him about your plan to own 40 food trucks in 20 years? Whatever your financial woes and plans for independent future wealth may be, you need to be aware of one another's finances, and abreast of the future in terms of money when it comes to your partner. If you don’t know what his monthly budget is, or if he is planning to stay at his grocery bagging job for another 8 years, it is definitely not the time to discuss residential bliss with the dude.
Are you compatible with your everyday living habits?
Basically, are you both turning in early on Friday night to hit the Farmers Market early on Saturday, or are you passing his drunk ass as he is coming in from the club while you’re on your way to buy dehydrated flowers? If you’re a homebody and he is a dude that needs to be at every club every week, it has just about zero chance of working out.
Are your living styles compatible?
Are you the messy type, leaving laundry where it falls, and allowing dishes to accumulate for a week before you load the dishwasher? Is he Julia Roberts husband in Sleeping with the Enemy? You may think that one or the other will pick up the slack, and for a while, you probably will. But that starts the resentment seedling that will grow until it is so large it consumes you. If your styles aren’t similar at the very minimum, it’s not going to work. It will become a problem.
What are your family relationships like? How about his?
In the beginning, when things are new, it isn’t uncommon to think that love will conquer all. Nosy, overbearing mothers-in-law, drunk and condescending fathers-in-law, bring them on. In about 5 years, though, it won’t be so tolerable. It will be him betraying you every time he meets with those judgemental bigots and fuck you, no, you’re not taking my baby around those racist fucks who talk shit about me.
If you come from estranged roots, it is easy for you to tell people to fuck off, and just go on about your business. I went that route, and just decided I would create my own family along the way because I could select people that were actually decent. If he is from a tight-knit family, though, he may not be able to look at family as replaceable. A lot of times, the more overbearing, insane, and pushy the family, the less likely that he’ll even correct their behavior. It will just be something you’re expected to live with. Can you? I know I couldn’t even tolerate that shit from my own family. There is no way in hell I will tolerate it from someone else's.
Do you have a pet? Does he? Are you both dog people? Is he a cat, and you’re a dog?
I can’t begin to tell you how many columns start off “Dear Ms. Macon, My boyfriend wants me to get rid of my dog…”
That is a dealbreaker for me. Basically, if I don’t feel you getting emotional when you pet my dogs, you’re not the guy for me. I would expect the same out of a partner. Asking someone to get rid of a pet in order to live with me, honestly, to me, that’s giving up my family, and that’s not fucking happening. You may think that “they’ll grow on him” over time, but chances are, that’s probably not going to happen. Best case scenario, he’ll develop an “allergy”, or there will be “neighbor complaints”. Worst case scenario, you come home from work and your sweet, loyal babe that’s been with you for 6 years mysteriously turned into Houdini when you left for work this morning.
Think I’m playing? I have that one and much worse when it comes to all of the horrible things people have said and done in order to separate their boyfriend or girlfriend from a pet. There is often a lot of jealousy involved, especially if you had the pet for a long time before the potential spouse came along. I’ve had women write in to ask me how they can get their boyfriends to shower them with affection like the boyfriend does to the dog. Yes, that level of petty and jealous. It’s disgusting, but it’s much more common than you might want to believe.
Are one of you a parent? Dear God, both of you?
I strongly encourage you, nay, I implore you...please. Think about your next move very carefully. These aren’t your kids. That means every time they act like little douchebags and break your things, hurt your animals, scream in your face, and try to hurt your feelings by talking about their mommy and daddy getting back together, there’s nothing you can do.
Even when they give you the evil little asshole smirk and you know they’re absolutely doing it on purpose, because they’re the fucking devil. You just have to take it. You can’t correct them or you’ll have both of their parents gunning for you. You can’t even ask them to stop half of the time without your partner taking offense to the way that you had a “tone” with their little princess. You simply have to suck it up.
Seeing as how I’m a huge proponent of beating other people's asshole children so they’ll learn the lesson that clearly isn’t being taught at home, I have zero interest in dating anyone with kids. I don’t want another woman's spoiled prissy little girl speaking to me like she thinks she’s grown, because I will want to punch her in her titty so hard that she’s a -B cup on that side, but I know that’s deeply frowned upon. Therefore, a no kids scenario is the only one that is acceptable for me at this point. Unless they start making Xanax 5 literal times stronger, I know I’m going to have to pass on living that nightmare.
How about you? How are you going to react when he tells your little Einstein that every 2nd grader can read, that he isn’t special so stop bragging? Are you going to have an attorney on retainer for when you reach over and rearrange the nose on his face for making your kid cry? I strongly advise observing plenty of interactions between them and having a great number of interactions with his children before you even start to think about living together. Hell, the kids may be 18 before you’re really ready to cohabitate. OOh, problem solved.
OH my ever-living God, THIS. So much this! Especially money and step kids!! Love does not conquer all.
You should be required to put together at least one piece of IKEA furniture as a couple. That’s when you’ll see who that mofo really is.