Today, that babygirl would be 21.
I like to believe that I’ve redeemed myself enough that she might be proud of me. Who knows if that’s really the case, but this is my descriptive narrative, and I’ll tell it as I fucking please.
Taylor Rae, that’s her name. Can I tell you the weirdest thing? I wonder if, when I strongarm Pete’s bitch ass, she’s going to look the same. Will she be a baby? Will she be all grown up?
I don’t know.
This. This here is the only thing that keeps me hanging on to the thread to religion I’ve not yet burned to ash.
I have to believe there is something else. I have to believe there is something after this. I can remember it was cold, cold as fuck for Florida, raining, had rained for days.
Everyone was so fucking appalled, me on my knees in the dirt in my black dress like nobody had fucking raised me better. They made me leave and I came back, after it was dark and Tyler had passed out and nobody else would tell me I shouldn’t drive.
I kept thinking, “you’re a horrible person if you just leave her here, in this cold, this wet fucking cold”.
My girl told me “that’s not where she is and I should come home before everyone started to worry”. So, in spite of all of the evidence to the contrary, I have to believe that there is a plan. I just can’t let my mind go to a place where this is all that there is.
Where the only place I would be with the only thing in my life I ever got right is the place where I left her in that cold ass earth.
We’ll see. Someone tell Pete I’ve got my own fucking scorecard, and I been rolling 6’s like fucking Yahtzee this year. I’m really not one to fuck with on that strongarm front either.
21 fucking years, but today I could tell you about that babyfaced doctor who couldn’t have been more than 25. The female paramedic who worked on Taylor and stayed, not only at the hospital, but she was at her funeral. The group of nurses whispering behind the desk, and how I cursed myself for not knowing I had ill will coming my way. There were two dead ravens in my yard, one each week leading up to her death, and everyone knows that’s imminent death coming to your home. You don’t even need to be old Appalachia to know that.
The things you can’t forget, right?
Right.
That’s it. I’ll be back later in the week.
I couldn't react for a full 2 min, I'm so sorry for your loss 😔
That beautiful baby and God are looking at you from Heaven.
Rough seas, lady. I hope you've got your lighthouse. I know there's nothing to be said to ease the bleakness, because I have walked many roads at the edges of this same circle of hell. Nothing ever hurts more. Peace only comes with time; even when heartbreak has faded the scars remain. If I had the time and a glass of wine, I'd spend an evening if it would ease your mind for a minute. Stay safe. ☆☆