Today, I thought back to the horrible days of my relationship with Grindr. How he abused me emotionally every day, damned near constantly. How every time I refused to bend to his will or any time I dared to talk back to him, he would choke me, sometimes until I pissed on myself.
I sat today and I thanked God himself that I’m not locked in quarantine with that monster.
I worry about the women who haven’t escaped their abusive captors, those who are still being manhandled by some jerk who gets his kicks from making women feel small. This has to be a land full of eggshells for those women. The proverbial landmine that one false step could trigger, and I know the feeling because I have triggered several myself.
What would this time have been for me? With him throwing every glass I owned directly at my face? Of course, it was never limited to my stemware. In a period of less than a year, he destroyed every dish I had, every lamp, every jewelry box, everything he could pick up and throw at me, including my television.
The absolute disgust and shame I felt walking out of my house, wondering if the neighbors had heard the vile names that he called me, the absolute putrid tone he used to speak to me. I got to the point that I would wait until I heard my neighbors leave before I would walk out of my house, just so I didn’t have to constantly hang my head in shame.
The mere thought of being locked inside any home with that horrible excuse for a man immediately caused me to feel short of breath; to double-check my surroundings to ensure that I had not woken in the middle of the worst time of my life again. Still today, I can tell you exactly how strongly I hate him. How his screaming at me an inch from my face, spit and profanity slapping my cheeks, made me think more than once of cutting his throat in his sleep.
And I had the comfort of the blissful times alone. The absolute agony of uncertainty that these women must be suffering just brings me to tears. I pray that every one of you that needs to just make it through this horrible time can do exactly that. I won’t tell you what others do, I know the list of reasons you haven’t left yet.
I will simply say that I pray you make it through this. In your houses, I know that the Coronavirus is the least of your worries. You’re just worried about making it through the night.
I pray that every one of you do.
At this point in my life, probably the one thing about being in a abusive relationship that stays with me is the feelings of being inadequate for anyone.
After being told your worthless and every name u can think of, the stigma of that emotional abuse, continues to haunt me . Long after the bruises and bones have healed.
My mind continues to attempt tricks on me sometimes, and I have to remind myself, " You are worth the world, & you are deserving of love ".
Just my thoughts :)
Thank you to my girl, for not only putting up with me through the years, but helping me to be tough!